Fire Emblem: The Sacred Comedy
by AuraChannelerChris
Summary: How will the world respond to Grado's sudden declaration of war? We all know the story, so that's why I'm turning the humor up to ungodly levels. Oops, now everything looks like a big crack-fic poking fun of anything in Fire Emblem story through every chapter in the actual game...
1. Intro of Stupidity

_Because there's a lack for Sacred Stones love, I went ahead with it. Please do note that the events of the whole game will be completely exaggerated for the purpose of humor._

_With that out of the way, I encourage all Bishop fans to read on, enjoy, and review._

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**~ Fire Emblem: The Sacred Comedy ~**

**Intro of Stupidity**

The continent of Magvel was, at first sight, a peaceful place to live. But a close look at the different nations that ruled it would say otherwise. After getting know the gist of each one of the six nations, one could tell how messed up the place was.

The first nation was Renais, which was probably the only sane nation of the entire lot if it weren't for the fact that its citizens were very into gossip. The only piece of gossip that was infamous enough was the one about how incestuous the royal siblings of the castle were, even though they both denied their undying sibling love for each other. Their father shrugged the very thought away every time it was brought up to the point he didn't care. Soon enough, though, because of his overall denying attitude, Renais became filled with lots of incestuous couples behind the king's suspicions.

Up north from Renais was the nation of Frelia, home of the rabid Innes fangirls. The nickname of the nation became very well known due to the fact that all single (and engaged) young women were ridiculously infatuated by the prince's sight. Hell, even men wanted him. It wasn't crazy to think that the kingdom itself didn't care about itself but Innes' silver-ish hair. Woe would befall anybody who would usurp the prince's time. Last time he was indirectly distracted by a girl's call, the rest of the women in town creamed her. It was a gross scene that became engraved in Tana's mind.

To the east of Frelia lied the republic of Carcino, which was often looked down upon for not having a king that ruled it but rather grumpy old men that were thought to be perverts. The place felt like the backwater of the entirety of Magvell itself, but thankfully, the non-nation was a popular place due to its high commerce. Women would cry at seeing pretty jewels while men would cry at the price tag. For that fact alone, Carcino was also known as the land where wallets died in a blink of an eye.

Next to the right border of Carcino was the theocracy of Rausten. Just like Carcino, the other nations thought of Rausten as a place full of weirdos that held justice and love in high esteem over all things in the world. Their princess was a special case, as she would be probably the cheesiest thing Magvel has had ever seen in its long life. Her retainers were just as high on the clouds as she was. Many could say that the Darkling Woods was a much more important place than Rausten will ever be.

Further south of Rausten was the calm region of Jehanna, home of the biggest scandal. That said scandal was the disappearance of the queen's son, which was added to the oldest scandal that was the sudden death of the queen's husband, which was also added to the recent scandal that the queen thought she was a bad mom. Some have whispered that the king killed himself because he was envious of Frelia's popularity. I mean, who would live in a frickin' desert and make a palace there, anyway? Maybe the prince left because it sucked to live there in the middle of nowhere. Any sane person would do the same.

And last but not least, to the west of Jehanna and to the south of Renais resided the Grado Kingdom. The other nations considered Grado a damn good place to live. At least this was their previous train of thought until they heard some pretty dark rumors going about. One of them was that Prince Lyon was practicing dark, dark magic or something, but this was quickly discarded from their minds. Another rumor was that the king died and got resurrected, but this was also put into the wagon of rolling eyes. Yet another rumor was that Prince Lyon had some weird ass mood swings that were usually accompanied with some whispers about resurrecting the Demon King from children's fairy tales, but this one also got discarded. In short, the other nations still thought Grado was a good neighbor to Renais, but living there would be the scariest experience if the royal family got so many rumors like that.

Other than how screwed Magvel really looked like, the continent was a peaceful place to live, if there were people who would ignore all of its obscene flaws.

That all changed when Grado suddenly said to Renais, "Screw friendship, I want total conquest" and proceeded to declare a surprise war on everyone…

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_The insanity doesn't end here. Just wait till you see the main cast…_

_I encourage all strategists to review. Or else Rausten will be ruled by Flonne from Disgaea._


	2. Prologue of Stupidity

_Because of a small miscalculation, the previous chapter was renamed "Intro of Stupidity"._

…_Yup, it works! Read on and review, Master Seal fans._

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**Prologue of Stupidity**

In the mountain border was Castle Renais. Inside, a very distraught soldier ran to the king's chamber. "Your Majesty! Grado has declared war upon us! The gate has been breached, and I heard their soldiers cry 'Screw our friendship, we want total conquest!'" he informed. "Furthermore, Prince Ephraim is still boar hunting, so he's most likely missing… What should we do?"

King Fado furrowed his brow. "The only reasonable thing to do is…to lay down our arms."

"Blasphemy!" Eirika shouted as she came from down the hall. The soldier left the two alone. "Father! Stop being irrational! As a proud nation, we need to fight back and reach Emperor Vigarde!"

"Eirika, my child, we've hold a very tight bond of friendship with Grado. Why would they attack now?"

"Did you do something pretty nasty like insult their wyvern riders? They're very fond of them…"

"Well… You got me!" King Fado said. "I don't remember pissing them off this badly! Maybe they hate the stupid rumors about your apparent incestuous actions with your brother!"

Eirika grumbled. "Father, will you stop blaming me for that? We don't love each other like real couples! Anybody with common sense knows that having babies with your sibling is like trying to use your imagination to make a really good dish, and the ending result you get is some kind of soup somehow winking back at you!"

Fado and his retainers shrugged at the thought. "In any case! Are you wearing your bracelet on?" he asked.

"Eh, I left it my room," Eirika casually said. It almost gave the king a heart attack. "Father! That accessory is not even popular! Everyone's into ear piercings! Heck, even men!"

"T-that's not the case! Go get it!" Fado heard screams of soldiers screwing friendship from down the hall. "Aww, crap! Seth!"

The overpowered Paladin entered with his horse. "Yes?" he asked.

"Take Eirika to Frelia after she gets her bracelet! King Hayden surely has his hands full with the rabid Innes fangirls, but this must be done!"

"And what about you?" Seth asked.

"I'm staying behind and atone for whatever ill sin I caused Grado to attack us without even thinking about escaping to confront Vigarde directly… But we all know Eirika's incest is to blame!"

"Father!" Eirika groaned.

"Go now, Seth! To her room!" The king ordered. "Jump out from there to freedom!"

Seth hastily grabbed Eirika from her wrist and rode her off to her room while she screamed how it was hurting her to be dragged away from her wrist.

"Your Majesty," a retained said as Grado soldiers began to pour in, "I believe this is the point where you die." The king nodded. "…But also, your screen time dies along with you."

"Kind of pathetic, Your Excellency," the other retainer said as the previous one got burned in the spot, screaming bloody murder. "Your death starts the plot, but you don't even live past the prologue."

"I hate this story," Fado remarked before he was impaled by a Slim Lance that dealt a critical blow. "Yeouch! Not down there!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice.

Outside of the castle, the dutiful Cavalier Franz waited for his general to come out from the castle's front doors. How Franz even avoided getting seen from the mob of Grado soldiers would be a very nice story on its own, but he unluckily had the misfortune of not telling anybody about it. Suddenly, he heard the third floor window shattering apart as a horse flew out from it, landing gracefully on the ground from the rather suicidal height. "General Seth, that was an awesome exit!" Franz remarked.

"Yeah, but my window! Getting windows repaired cost a hefty amount of money!" Eirika complained. "But I'll let it slide. After all, Seth here is Titania level."

"Sure I am," Seth said, subtly showing off. "Anyway. Franz, you must ride to Frelia and alert them from our coming. You somehow got extremely lucky not getting seen from all those soldiers. I'm sure your luck will accompany you."

Franz looked to the sides. "Uh, I just hid in that abandoned shack," he pointed out.

"That strategy is flawless, I admit, but it severely destroys whatever epic explanation we would've thought of about your tactics. Go!" he ordered. Franz took off without a word. "Now we must follow!"

"Too late," said Valter as he and two cronies appeared from behind them. The evil-looking guy twirled his head around, bishiely adjusting his hair. "You there, with the girl. Tell me, would that be the wayward princess of Renais?"

Eirika rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm pretty much wearing very refined clothing," she said, pointing at her golden shoulders pads.

"Well, this must be my lucky day," Valter noted, turning to Seth. "You're a dead man. The wench goes with me."

"Hey, I'm way prettier than your hair to be called a wench. Now I feel undermined!" Eirika fumed. "Seth, fight him for me!"

The two of them got into a battle screen. "Back off! I'm not Jagen level, but Titania level!" Seth warned. "Actually, Titania's story comes out a year after ours, so she's MY level!"

"So?" Valter asked. "I'm Valter, the Moonstone! Grado's finest general! And you're just a corpse that does not know he is dead."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Like that is going to stop me fro-"

"I'm second part, near ENDGAME level!"

"OH SHI-" was all Seth said before he attacked and missed somehow, but then he got impaled on the chest. Eirika's smile faded as she quickly traced the words of her will on her mind. Surprisingly, Seth survived the rather fatal hit. "Bailing out!"

"Aw, come on!" Valter said. "My lance clearly went through you! I hate how this makes no sense!" With that complain out, Seth hastily and brusquely took Eirika by her other wrist and rode away. "Such terrible wounds, and still he holds to his duty?"

The unnamed wyvern rider to his right stared. "Uh, general? It probably could've made a big difference if you took his horse out first and THEN attacked him," he pointed out.

"Pah! Everyone knows the horse disappears along with its stead in our universe!" Valter pointed out, which was actually a true fact his cronies couldn't deny. "…But yeah, I should've attacked the horse. Crud."

A moment of silence ensued as the inside of the castle was ravaged to death. "…General?" the other wyvern rider said. "Aren't we supposed to chase them down? We're wyvern riders that can easily cross through any terrain."

"Too easy, not satisfying enough," Valter said. His soldiers rolled their eyes under their helmets.

Several miles away from them, Eirika and Seth rested on the other side of a cliff. "Please forgive me for grabbing you so…brusquely," Seth apologized to Eirika, who slapped him twice.

"Now I have both wrists sore thanks to you," she said. "You should go easy on inferior units like me."

"Nonsense," Seth said.

"In other news, that man with the ridiculous silky hair was after me. I wonder why?"

"Princess, it's blatantly obvious they were after you because of your rank," Seth said. "If you want to conquer a kingdom, you might as well kill its royal lineage! There is definitely, absolutely no other reason why they would chase after you!" he lied.

Eirika's bracelet shone a bit under the light of the sun. "Hmm, you're totally right on that. The only other reason I can think of is that I'm very pretty. And you know what they say about us pretty girls in a place like this: all evil thieves and pirates want to rape us."

"Sad truth, that," Seth said wincing. "This injury I got is getting worse…" Said injury was a large bloody scar on his chest. "But I won't let this life-threatening injury stop me from stopping you!"

"Hush you," Eirika said, using a Vulnerary that miraculously healed the general. The wound itself seemed to stitch together and almost disappear. "There you go. Don't you love these things? They save lives…literally!"

Seth stared. "…Uh… We must press on to Frelia. We must fulfill His Majesty's wishes," he said.

Eirika nodded. "I wonder how my father fares alone in the castle. Do you think he's safe?"

"Fat chance. I heard him squeal his last words," Seth said. "And I'm honest. I heard a girlish squeal that reminded me of His Majesty before we jumped down your room. Too bad. He doesn't even get to live past the Prologue."

"I shall not ask further why there was a squeal," Eirika said, feeling disturbed. "And my brother is okay. After all, he possesses some broken strategies for battle that do look extremely suicidal."

"Damn right he does. I never won once against him playing chess," Seth said, defeated. "My misfortune aside, once we cross that bridge over there, we will be in Frelia, near Border Mulan."

Eirika gasped. "The Chinese warrior Mulan lives there?" she asked.

"We don't live on Earth."

"Aww…"

"But I won't lie to you about this. This will not be an easy ride. Take this Rapier if something happens to me. For some reason, that weapon is golden against knights."

Eirika considered the facts about Seth at hand. "Very funny, Seth. I bet that nothing will happen to you, even if I purposely disarmed you to make you a wall of meat. Also, will this Rapier be golden against you, then?"

"At your low level? The wind hurts me more," Seth said.

Out of cue, three enemy Fighters appeared from the other side of the cliff. "You there! Renais Dogs! Where do you think you're going? The great O'neill will have your heads for the emperor!" O'neill declared loudly.

"O'neill as in Shaquille O'Neal?" Eirika asked hopefully.

"Wish I was, but no!" Groans came from the princess. "Chances are that I'll rape you before anything else happens! Fighters like us do look shady!"

"Stand back, Princess Eirika," Seth said. "They are pussies compared to my level."

Eirika frowned in disapproval. "Please! I need the experience more than you do. My brother has taught me something of swordplay," she pointed out.

"That sounded so wrong, you incestuous princess!" O'neill shouted, having heard her clearly.

"Geez! We had to stop at a cliff where our voices resound with echoes! Also, stop calling me incestuous!" She advanced forward, where she met two Fighters. "Oh, please. Do you really want to harm me?"

The two Fighters stuttered. The woman in front of them was obviously a dear prize that shouldn't be even harmed.

And Eirika took advantage of their stuttering by killing them both by stabbing their chests as many times as she could. "Ha! Beauty is sure deadly!"

Seth grimaced. "Princess, you just wasted seven uses for your Rapier," he said. "Why would you choose to do your own thing?"

Eirika cleaned the Rapier from the Fighters' blood. "I'm going to have to respond with a very witty remark: this is war," she explained. Seth stared at her for a long time while O'neill waited impatiently in the background. "…I was gonna die, idiot! See here! My Rapier doesn't look worn out!"

"Oh, I see. But still, don't hit too many times beyond two hits," Seth wisely advised.

O'neill then approached the woman. "What was that? Do you think you can take me, wretched lording? Come! It's time you high-and-mighty knights learned to respect a true warrior!" he boasted.

Eirika yawned. "Dear lord, I would expect a higher up say what you just said at this point…" She swiftly dodged his axe and Critical Hit'd him twice.

"What? How?" O'neill asked before disappearing on the spot. Eirika and Seth did not even want to wonder how the guy didn't even leave his corpse behind but just empty air.

Seth rushed to Eirika's side. "Princess, are you injured?" he asked.

"I'm fine, Seth," Eirika said. "My game-breaking moves saved the day… For now," she said dramatically.

"But you look so pale..." Seth trailed off.

"Of course I'm pale!" Eirika said angrily. "Firstly, my kingdom gets razed by Grado soldiers. Secondly, my father is dead. Thirdly, you broke my window. Fourth, people can't seem to stop calling me incestuous. Fifthly, shady people are in no doubt gonna try to rape me on the spot. Sixthly, my brother is missing while doing boar hunting. And lastly, I currently have no house to rest!"

"Well, this is war, princess," Seth pointed out. "The likes of you usually go through all that by retreating to another kingdom, have a lot of drama seeking aid, and then come back to reclaim everything that is still standing except for your already dead, beloved ones. It's amazing how nobody has complained about it like you have."

"Did so!" Marth called out from somewhere. The two ignored the mysterious yell. Other yells from other Fire Emblem protagonists soon followed.

"I'm not a noble, but I still went through that crap anyway!" Ike complained.

"Hear those yells? The people of Renais can't be helped now."

Eirika sighed. "Okay, let's go to Frelia, and have a lot of drama seeking aid," she said, and the two strode away to Frelia. Their adventure would sadly include a lot more than they could take.

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_And that lot more was lots and lots of drama and weird people._

_I encourage all Seth lovers to review, or else I shall explain in great detail where Fado got the critical hit in the next chapter._


	3. Escape! From Grado!

_It's time to escape, but unfortunately, not from insanity. What do you mean this isn't a bad thing?_

_I encourage Rapier users to read on, enjoy, and review._

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**Chapter 1: Escape! …From Grado!**

Inside a rather desolate castle, there was the Princess of Frelia and a single soldier looking for Eirika. Tana would have looked for Ephraim as well, but she cared about Eirika the most. If that wasn't creepy, I don't know what it is. "Princess Tana! Grado's forces are approaching!" the soldier informed. "You just HAD to take poor me with you! That is so suicidal!"

"What? So soon? Ah, we've had no time!" Tana said, and she had a reason. For one, they were resting, and she wore her clothes in a mess. It was the dawn of the next morning, you see.

"As I have said before, Milady, we lack the arms to defend this place. What were you HONESTLY thinking just bringing me and not ten more soldiers?" the soldier asked.

"Well! I thought it'd be an easy pie to find Eirika!" Tana shot defensively. "The other soldiers would have slowed me down. Also, they are all pretty busy handling those fangirls of my brother! They do get pretty rowdy during times of war. Why, they were desperately asking if my brother was around." She sighed. "And when they don't get a concrete answer, they climb the concrete of the castle to infiltrate it!"

The soldier nodded. "Yup, I remember that one fangirl climbing the castle into Prince Innes' room, only to end up in your room while you were putting your clothes on," he said. "But was it necessary to push her down the fifth floor?"

"When you have a brother that can shut them up for suing us with just giving them a small fabric of his face, they listen like dogs," Tana giggled.

"Er, well… You must return to Castle Frelia," the soldier said, only to be shoved away vigorously and dramatically by Tana.

"I can't! Not yet. We haven't found Eirika and her companions yet. Eirika is my friend, and she needs my help. I won't abandon her," she said.

"And here I thought you were worried about King Fado?"

"Meh, he never had good plans. I bet my money he didn't even get to live past the Prologue," she bluntly stated. "Oh, I know! Go and ask Father-I mean King Hayden for more troops."

The soldier said, "…" He looked dully at her.

"I know my mistakes! Just go!" she shooed the soldier. The soldier pretty much ran like hell to Frelia. In a blink of an eye, the outside of the castle and the overall perimeter littered with Grado soldiers. Tana saw the problem she was in. "Now the only thing I worry about is somebody raping me. Thieves and pirates do look shady!"

Outside, a Grado soldier approached his Knight commander. "Commander Breguet, the enemy appears to be fortifying its position in the castle," he said, despite the fact Tana was all alone by her lonesome self.

Breguet grimaced. "Hmph. They're tenacious, but they have no hope of stopping our advance," he said.

"Heck no!" Tana shouted across the gate, closing it. She hurried back up to the second floor to laugh at their bad luck.

"Damn!" Breguet said. "She's smart!" The main gate then opened back up. Apparently, Tana had forgotten there was a second Frelian soldier with her. That said soldier blew their strategy up by guarding the open gate.

The princess looked down. "God da-" Tana composed herself. "You there! What are you doing?"

"Taking glory by protecting you!" the Frelian soldier said, only to be owned by Breguet. "B-but…why?" he asked, disappearing from Magvel's existence.

Tana rolled her eyes as Grado soldiers poured in. "Well, geez, I don't know. Last I checked, boss knights have thigh defenses that shield them from puny lances?" She turned around to face Breguet. "You're kinda fast for running in here. This castle has the stairs on the very back… Call off your forces and turn back, or you'll have me to deal with!"

"Bitch, please," Breguet said. "I'm a boss knight!"

"Crap, he's right."

"And who might you be?"

Tana got really offended. "Don't I look royalty-like enough?" she asked.

"With that messy getup, I would think you were doing dirty stuff up here," Breguet said. She slapped him.

"I am Tana, Princess of Frelia," Tana said, dramatic wind from behind showing a lot of skin on her body. That stopped her from pulling down her skirt. "I will not permit you to abuse my country any longer."

Breguet considered the statement. "I will keep abusing your country! …And you!"

Tana felt her face falling. "Even knights are rapists!" she said as she was being taken away to a prison in the castle. "Oh, how convenient! A prison inside a castle! It's like inviting your worst enemy to have dinner with you!"

Several feet away from the castle, Eirika and Seth arrived, seeing a hell lot of Grado soldiers everywhere. "It seems like Grado's army has already reached Frelia," Seth said.

"Kind of makes you wonder how these guys never trapped us back at the cliffs," Eirika said. "Hurray for ignorance!"

Seth nodded. "Princess, this place is perilous. We should bypass Mulan altogether and head straight into the castle," he said.

Tana had very good hearing. She peeked out from her little cell at the back of the castle. "You better not leave me here or else…or else…uh…or else I'll do something bad!" she shouted. The two didn't hear her over the yells of the Grado soldiers.

"But we can't just ignore this," Eirika said. "Apparently, I'm supposed to show some respect and aid my country where I'm needed. Do you want this place to become like Daein where its people give a damn about nobody but themselves? No wonder why the place was ruled by a really, really mad king!"

Seth shrugged. "Its people don't even know what's good for them. You give them food, they spit at your face with the same food they chewed on to show utter disrespect," he said.

The princess felt dramatic all of a sudden. "You were there when Renais was invaded... You saw what I saw. You saw how the people suffered at the hands of Grado's soldiers. Homes were destroyed, possessions stolen, women kidnapped... Anyone who resisted was executed without question, without hesitation."

Seth remained silent at Eirika's speech. "Princess, please. Your worthless monologue of emotional touchiness was a waste of time. You had me at Daein," he said.

Eirika glared. "Hey! I'm feeling dramatic! Listen to me fret over so it feels satisfying to do good deeds!" she said. Seth shed a manly tear as she grabbed his hand. "Please, Seth. I can't allow that to happen here. I don't want to see any more people harmed by Grado's atrocities."

"You lost faith on Grado pretty quickly, huh?"

"It happens when they destroy houses, steal possessions, and kidnap women. How dare they deprive us from the little birds' nests!" she said. Behind them, a house that occupied six squares suddenly burned as possessions were stolen along with women getting kidnapped. Oddly, there were no men in that house. The house next to it occupied one square, and yet it passed unnoticed.

Seth nodded. "All right, Princess. I understand. Perhaps we can retake Mulan. But, Princess, you must act with caution. Your people need you, too," he wisely pointed out.

"Of course, Seth," Eirika agreed. "And when nobody's looking our way, I shall rename this place with a better name. If this isn't Earth's Mulan's place, then it shall be mine! Come on! Let's go!"

"That goes against our credo, but whatever! I never liked Chinese names. Only normal and weird names are acceptable in our universe," Seth said approvingly.

Once the battle began, Breguet gained hawk eyes and saw the two of them from afar. "Hm? Is that the princess of Renais?" he wondered aloud.

"Lookie there! There's somebody who actually can tell who I am with one look!" Eirika said. "That beats having to be kept away from public for your entire life till some nation invaded your home and burned your whole family to the ground except for your sister."

"U-um, yes, I went through that, but I had total security from evil men till that point!" shouted Elincia, who was ignored as she should have been before the events of her universe happened.

"You nobles are an amusing bunch," said Soren.

Back on reality, Braguet grinned deviously. "Ha ha! It really is my lucky day! Fame and fortune ride to meet me! Move on, you slugs! Bring that girl to me!" Braguet declared. His soldiers cheered as the mad men they all were after they screwed their friendship with Renais.

"With such declaration, you can't go wrong into thinking that he has some non-good thoughts about what he's gonna do to me when he and I are alone," Eirika noted. "Well! That's yet another class that shall be added to the list of rapists. I sure do hope we don't get one of his type very soon."

It took the second turn for an actual Knight and already familiar Cavalier to appear on the north hill. Wind dramatically swept the grass beneath their feet as they looked on the battlefield.

"Uh-oh, one of them is blue from the top view," Eirika said. "Therefore, the Knight is on our side. Crud."

"Sir Gilliam, is that Mulan? Have we reached Frelia's border already?" Franz asked.

Gilliam grimaced. "It's not the actual Chinese woman warrior, but it'll work," he said. "Her Highness Princess Tana should be inside the castle."

"Trapped in a dinky cell!" Tana added. "Who makes a cell in a castle, anyway?"

Franz pointed down the battlefield. "But look - the countryside is crawling with Grado Soldiers! Where's the castle guard! Has Mulan fallen? Are we too late? Is Princess Eirika alive? Has she been assaulted sexually already? Is my role model General Seth still standing? Is-"

"STOP ASKING THAT MANY QUESTIONS!" Gilliam ordered angrily. "GOSH! We men of the Eastern Watch will see her to safety!" he said, trying to forget the little boy's many questions.

"Yes...Yes, of course. We mustn't give up. We must move. We must retake the castle. We must defeat the soldiers. We must claim victory. We must claim the spoils. We must go shopping afterwards to restock our weapons. Then, we must ride forth to Princess Eirika's aid beyond all that," Franz said.

"Something else we MUST do?" Gilliam asked, rolling his eyes.

Franz got a feeling. "I must shut up," he said meekly. "Let's just…uh…focus, yeah."

Gilliam nodded without any hints of sarcasm. "I've strong armor than you do. I'll take the lead. Watch my back," he said.

"Wow, the first chapter and you're already disclosing crucial tactics!" Franz said amazed. "It's like giving vague hints of playing a table war game before a real life experience transforms that silly game strategy into an effective plan!"

"No wonder why it felt weird over my end!" Ike shouted from afar. Nobody heard him as usual.

Gilliam was clearly annoyed. "Franz, I ask of you, who has the strongest armor?"

"You?"

"Yes, so shut up!" The two rushed down the battlefield, taking out Grado soldiers like nothing happened.

Eventually, Franz and Gilliam were able to make contact with Seth and Eirika. "Princess Eirika, it is good to see you're well," Franz said.

"At least physically," Eirika said. "Emotionally, I have a tornado of emotions tearing me apart bit to bit. I'm getting the feeling that I'm turning emo at the end of this story of war and massive loss."

Franz stared. "That's, uh, really nice otherwise!" he said. Eirika glared. "I-I met up with Sir Gilliam of Frelia and explained the situation in Renais. He told me that Princess Tana was in danger as well, here at Mulan."

"Of course she is," Eirika said as she smiled. "Anybody can hear her pleas from this distance unlike a few feet back. It helps all the people I stabbed on their kiwis stopped shouting incoherent shouts!" she said as if she was proud of herself, which she was.

"Dear god, there's a skeleton in here!" Tana squealed. Eirika gasped dramatically and told Franz to hurry.

Hurrying up suddenly was not done given Franz went to talk to Seth. The boy's eyes were sparkling with glee. He was, after all, a serious Seth fanboy. Everybody on Renais' (dead) guard wanted to reach his level of awesome. "Is that you, Franz? I'm relieved to see you're still in one piece!" Seth said relieved. Franz could practically faint at the praise. "Lesser units below my level get killed easily, but you are an exception."

"Y-yes... and you as well, General. As long as you lead, sir, the Knights of Renais cannot lose!" Franz said while the sunset shone behind Seth's back. Franz randomly wished to become Seth's sidekick and say some cheesy one-liners.

The sunset was an illusion that affected the young Cavalier. "Franz, you and I must work together to protect Princess Eirika. I want you to ride with us," Seth said. Franz couldn't hold on and fainted on his horse. "Is it a wonder that nobody can get a Master Seal ahead of time before I do?" Seth asked sighing.

Eirika cursed when she noticed they had ignored the houses behind them. The house burning in the background lost all interest by default. "Hold on, you guys! I'm checking that house over there," Eirika said as she ran over to the house, entering without even knocking on the door.

The man inside engaged on a conversation with her. You would do the same when a beautiful girl barged into your home, wouldn't you? "The rumors are true, aren't they? The Grado army's taken over the castle. It looks like they've seized the castle gate, too. Smart work. The fate provides defense and heals wounds to boot. They must be fierce warriors to have taken the gate. Watch yourself," he warned her.

"For being an obscure NPC, you guys do talk a lot," Eirika noted. She left the house and quickly went over to the next house, again, not bothering to knock on the door. "I'm probably going to regret coming in here. I heard houses taking up six squares net you some goodies."

The next man seemed to have ignored her statement. "That knight encamped at the castle was wearing the finest armor I've ever seen. It looked like it could turn aside almost any blade you swing at it. I know my armor, though. I wager a good Rapier or Armorslayer could get through it," he stated.

The princess ran back to her group and gasped when she realized. "Crap, I don't have an Armorslayer! We're doomed!" Eirika noticed.

"Princess, you do have a Rapier!" Seth pointed out.

"Oh." Eirika waltzed over to Breguet, getting into a battle screen.

"Bah, what a worthless lot of curs I've been assigned!" Breguet complained.

"Makes you think Grado doesn't care much about your type, huh?" Eirika said.

"If only I was a general!" he said before Eirika Critical Hit'd twice with her Rapier. Granted (for her), she dodged the blow. "Dammit, you having a Rapier right now looks VERY suspicious!" he complained before vanishing in thin air.

The party hadn't noticed that they had blazed through the field with astounding speed that turn 4 came up. Enemy reinforcements came. "I've found them! Stragglers from Renais! Don't let them get away!" he proclaimed.

"We're with a Paladin!" Franz boasted, waking up.

One look at Seth was enough to send them all screaming back to where they came from. Eirika slapped Franz. "You just let extra experience escape from our hands," she said.

"Your point?" Gilliam asked. "We're a spiritual successor to Fire Emblem: Gaiden. That means we get to level grind all we want after chapter 5! In your face, Fire Emblem: The Blazing Sword! Oh, wait! This is North America. I mean FIRE EMBLEM!" They laughed hysterically and cheered before entering the castle gate, setting Tana free from her prison. "Princess Tana," Gilliam said composed.

Tana stepped out. "Sir Gilliam... I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you such trouble," she said sincerely. "This is what I get for not taking more than one soldier."

"I thought there were two?"

"I like to think the second one that let me get capture didn't exist."

Eirika shouted, "Tana!"

"...Eirika? Is that really you?" Tana asked relieved. "Ooh, best friend! You're alive!"

"But not her father and mother," Seth unnecessarily added. Eirika bumped his shoulder, but she didn't even budge him. His defense stat was higher than even Gilliam, a fact the latter was envious of.

"Wait! Where is Ephraim? Is he well?"

"I wish I knew… Who am I kidding? I wouldn't be surprised if he was alive about now," Eirika said dully.

Tana nodded as a matter of fact. "Oh yeah, he doesn't die easily. Come, we must go to Castle Frelia. My lord father may know something," she said.

"What exactly?" Franz asked.

"Hell if I knew!" And with that, the four misfits and Seth rode towards Castle Frelia, jumping to World Map view to reach it faster.

_Eirika and her companions have liberated the border castle. Alongside Princess Tana of Frelia, they ride to the Frelian capital. Only Seth saw how Eirika renamed Border Mulan to Border ScrewUGrado; a symbol to signify how pissed she was at the kingdom that robbed her of everything but her beauty._

It was quite a scene getting into the castle. The hordes of rabid women looking for Innes almost made it impossible to enter. In the end, Tana had to use her Pegasus to fly over. Seth easily hopped over the big wall using his horse, defying all physic laws. Franz sighed infatuated, his horse not having the same luck and sinking into the water along with him.

Inside the castle, Hayden received them with open arms. For a second, he thought the women outside got them. "Oh, Tana... I'm grateful to see that you're safe and home again! You've no idea how I worried when I heard you were under attack at Border ScrewUGrado. I'm gonna have to punish you and keep you in your room!"

"Pops, this is war!"

"Oh, you're right. Sorry for humiliating you in front of your friends," he said. A collective amount snickers came from behind Tana.

"BTW, I come bearing good news. Eirika! Come out now!" Tana told Eirika.

"Any good reason for keeping me away from the chamber?" Eirika asked, entering. "Don't tell, please. I am always a surprise unlike not becoming well known to the general public for all my life."

"Would you please drop that already?" shouted Elincia.

"King Hayden, I am pleased to see you again, even in these sad times," Eirika said. "I'm probably the only one who's gone through a lot more of shit already, but that's what happens when you're the main lord of the game." She looked angrily to the fourth wall. "I AM the main lord, not my brother! Shut up! Geez!"

King Hayden smiled. "Ah, Eirika! It does my heart good to see you safe. I thought you weren't gonna live past the Prologue! Not making it through the very beginning is a very embarrassing event, after all!" he stated. "BTW, your dad didn't make it."

"Woe me," she said. By that time, the fact's humor had worn out.

Hayden raised a finger. "Grado will be punished for its cowardly act. This is Frelia's promise," he declared. "Nobody touches my precious!" Tana shed a womanly tear. "Eirika, please stay here and rest. I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be."

"But we're not! We used the World Map to hop over fast," Seth said.

"Screw my aid, why don't you?" Hayden said.

Seth spoke up. "King Hayden. You know of Prince Ephraim's disappearance, do you not?" he asked. Eirika wondered to herself how she didn't find out about her brother judging she was the closest person who cared about him.

"Yes, we hear the prince and his men hound Grado at every turn. We could possibly leave the entire war to him and he would win, but that'd make us look like asstards! Therefore, we help! Reports suggest he's crossed the border and now fights in Renvall."

"Is his HP standing?" Gilliam asked.

"Of course! Nobody can dent him!" the king stated. "My pegasus knights bought this information at a great price. They were grossly torn apart limb by limb by the women outside the gates, you see. Even though Renais has fallen, he charges into the enemy's heart. He is truly Fado's son..."

Eirika and Seth laughed hysterically. "Pfft! As if! Where my father died before the first half of the Prologue, we could make Ephraim fight the entire game AND bonus content by himself," she said. The others soon laughed. "Oh, but I'm not letting him get the credit. I intend to ride to my brother's side with reinforcements."

"I'm hoping you don't…um…practice incest while you're at it."

Eirika fumed. "I hate how gossip spreads faster than light itself," she said.

"I know how you feel besides your apparent incest, but this plan is suicide. I would be betraying Fado's memory if I allowed any harm to befall you. Stay here. Rest and mourn without turning emo on us. Leave this war to the warriors that wish to become like Seth here."

"Screw that! My brother, he is a part of me... I cannot rest here in peace while he risks his life."

Gilliam chuckled. "How can't we think that sounded like incest?" he asked. Eirika finally lost it and tried impaling him with a Rapier. Gilliam was particularly deep-shit scared of Rapiers that he ran away.

Hayden chuckled, but then he focused. "No. Renais has no more army. Grado's forces decimated it. Good thing Seth is around, though! He really compensates the big loss of your already dead kingdom."

Franz was seen climbing out the window, all soaked wet. "H-heheh, he's such a good role model to be mentioned multiple times, huh?" he asked before slipping back into the water.

"I wish Frelia could provide you with support, with soldiers, but... My son, Innes, is on his way to meet the empire's forces while making all the women faint as he walks. Too bad the ones at the gates can't faint without him around! We cannot spare a single brigade. Your own retinue of knights cannot possibly face Grado alone," the king advised. Suddenly, Seth felt forgotten by the advice.

"Yup we can!" Eirika piped up.

"As resolute as your father, eh?"

"Why are you trying so hard to make Fado sound awesome?" Tana asked. "We know his father can be compared to a lazy hobo! Hell, she knows you're much better!" Eirika nodded.

"Screw the script! He was an idiot!" Hayden finally said. "But still! You're not Ephraim, so, Vanessa!"

The green-haired Pegasus knight flew in with her Pegasus named, suspiciously, Titania. "Here, your highness!" she said. "Also, forgive me for entering with Titania, but General Seth gives us riders an example of strolling into castles with our horses!"

"You named your Pegasus Titania?" Seth asked, narrowing his eyes. Vanessa sweated bullets. "That is so suspicious."

"Moulder," Hayden said. Eirika felt the world move slower as the fan-favorite Healer walked in.

Eirika approached him. "Just you wait till we get you to be a sexy Bishop, Moulder the Boulder," she said. Moulder grinned under his epic moustache and said nothing.

"Gilliam."

Gilliam peeked out from the hallway. "Yes, sire?" Eirika looked over her shoulder, her vendetta quite clear.

"You are to accompany Princess Eirika of Renais into Grado territory. I expect each of you to provide aid and support for her brother. But once you get Moulder promoted, he'll do both!" he said.

"We feel so undermined," Gilliam and Vanessa both said. They wished they were Healers like Moulder the Boulder.

"These are some of my most trusted and stalwart vassals, especially Moulder. They will, no doubt, prove themselves quite valuable on your journey. Did I mention Moulder already? Remember, you are venturing behind enemy lines. You will need supplies for that hell of a healer I've given to you. I have a supply convoy readied to carry your weapons and provisions and a private hold for Moulder's Mends. It will remain at your side, no matter how far afield you venture with Moulder."

Eirika was extremely touched. Her party minus Gilliam and Vanessa were feeling tearful, hearing the healer's name so many times as if they were reminded they were blessed. "King Hayden, I... Thank you," she said, hugging Moulder. "I won't let them touch him or his mustache."

"No, save your thanks for your return…with your brother, Prince Ephraim. You got 5000 gold!" he said, tossing a bag of money at her face.

Eirika felt bad. "My allowance is far bigger than this bullcrap!"she complained. The king wisely plugged his ears. Eirika was defeated.

After the little meeting, Tana ran up to Eirika in the corridor, voicing her profound concerns about her best friend's decision. "Thank you for your concern, Tana. But I have no choice. Don't you see, Tana? I am a lord."

"Oh, why is this happening? What's gone wrong with the world and why does it feel like we're living in Rausten?" Tana asked.

"Judging how Grado screwed Renais' friendship, I'll be damned if his king died and got resurrected quite badly while Lyon himself got an evil spirit inside his body to manipulate everybody around him," Eirika said. "…HA! Tough luck! Sounds like a fairy tale to me! Anyway, too tired, need some beauty rest, shut those women outside up." The chapter then ended abruptly.

* * *

_Their victory is assured. Moulder does a good job._

_Please review, or else Moulder will feel bad._


	4. The Poorly Protected

_The group starts to grow little by little, but their IQ quotient gets punched several times as a result._

_I encourage all Journeymen to read on, enjoy, and review._

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Poorly Protected**

_King Hayden apologizes for being unable to spare soldiers due to the obscene influx of Innes fangirls. However, he does provide Eirika with Boulder the Moulder and some other guys that sound pretty obscure. Eirika is grateful for Moulder's aid. Chasing rumors of her brother, she sets out for Grado, where she is expected to die by us if she doesn't get a hold of a competent band of freedom fighters. The group's first stop is the remote village of Ide, which was, until very recently, a part of Renais's long list of forgotten little villages. Here, Eirika sees the devastation of Renais with her own eyes…or at least arrives right when it starts._

Eirika was addressing her band of intrepid freedom fighters. "Alright, you lazy ass bags! Not you, Moulder," she said. "Seth mapped out a path south of Renais, passing through Serafew and into Grado territory."

"There's a fatal flaw," Moulder added. Everyone gave their time to him by default after gasping. Seth felt his plan had been usurped rather fast. "Grado soldiers are probably destroying houses, kidnapping women, and stealing valuable possessions. Vanessa! Make yourself useful and scout ahead."

Vanessa was kind of ticked off that Moulder got such respect, even though the depths of her brain begged her to become a healer. _It is not too late yet, Vanessa!_ Her mind would shout. "Princess?" she asked.

"Right-o," Eirika said. "Keep out from bowmen, though. Those things CAN push people off their winged horses, which will cause almost irreversible damage to your kind."

The green-haired Pegasus knight (not her better-in-every-way sister, mind you) nodded and flew away into the east. "Should we start making up her will to claim her possessions? Dibs on Titania if she's alive!" Gilliam said. Franz and Moulder groaned loudly, missing their chance.

While Vanessa planned out ways to make her a fan favorite and take Moulder out of the picture, she flew under the clouds to see how a rather large band of bandits were about to pillage four villages. Apparently, Ide was a village divided in four, divided by the mountain range. They were approaching the one on the northeast.

"Hey, Bone! Go pick something else than your name in that village," the bandit leader, Bazba, said. "I'm heading back. Having two bosses in a chapter is way too much." His lackey assumed leadership and rushed head on into said village, declaring mass genocide.

The village they were about to pillage to the ground had a father and a son who looked at them ahead of time. The son named Ross gasped. "Holy hell, bandits are approaching!" he said. The villagers got into a panic and scrambled around. "Dad, we must take our stuff besides our axes!"

"I never liked living on this side of the mountain, anyway!" his father, Garcia, said. He grabbed his son and rushed out.

What happened next was pretty idiotic and oddly morbid in Vanessa's eyes. As the two rushed out, the bandit named Bone assaulted the village. It literally took one step for the bandit to kill everyone and the _buildings_. What once had many happy but distraught villagers was reduced to dust along with their homes. Strangely, the bandit didn't even get anything out of this. "Boss, it happened again!" Bone said. "This village died before my very eyes without detailed explanation! Crap!"

The Pegasus knight winced. "This is definitely not going to let me sleep tonight," Vanessa noted.

Outside the ravaged village, Ross and Garcia stumbled a bit. Ross particularly let out a small grunt, his left arm bleeding like crazy as it had lagged behind over the ground when the bandit had stepped into their destroyed home. "It's nothing! It's just a scratch! You're a warrior, Dad, and I am your son. I won't be beaten so easily," he said, despite the fact he suffered from some massive gameplay mechanics that left him _weaker _than a Fighter unit.

"This is really not the time to feel touched, Ross!" Garcia said, suddenly crying. "You've been cursed with the Journeyman curse ever since birth! Please! Someone help my son!" he called out to the sky. Ross felt pissed.

Although there was obviously a blatant helper patrolling the skies that could have easily taken the weaksauce axe wielder away from the battlefield, since Pegasus knights were quite fast over terrain, Vanessa instead rode back to her entourage. "I have bad news. The village to the east is under attack by bandits," she said.

"Uh-oh, bandits. They're among the worst kind of rapists," Eirika said. They nodded.

"We must move quickly and attract as little attention as possible," Moulder advised. This statement made him look like an asshole, but nobody complained. It was definitely not their business.

But then Eirika's heroic genes acted up. "But I cannot stand by and watch innocents be harmed. They could have a Rapier or two!" Eirika said. "Oh yeah, there are villagers. Silly me! Vanessa, how fare the villagers?

"Well, there was a father asking for aid to rescue his injured son in the middle of the assault," she informed with a flat look.

The group stared at her for about seven seconds, blinking in complete bewilderment. Seth felt disgusted by her sight.

"…" Vanessa then got the message and facepalmed. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" she cursed her being. Her Pegasus rolled her eyes at her owner's ineptitude.

"Bring me the boy so I give him back his worthless life," Moulder said. Franz laughed at the last two words the healer had said.

"I-I shall bring the boy here this time, I swear!" Vanessa declared, taking off over the mountain range. She felt many squinted eyes behind her back were judging her.

Once the battle officially began, Eirika saw how she was so close to the northwest village. "And to the woman goes the spoils!" she happily strode into the village, only to find somebody standing close to the gate inside.

"If we can't find some way to protect ourselves, the village is doomed," the woman said.

Eirika noted how the woman looked very elegant. Her very presence made the princess look cute instead of beautiful. "(Focus! The prettier they look, the better is the reward!) I heard that using the village's gates is the ultimate defense against bandits. It's foolproof!"

The woman just then noticed Eirika. "Oh, that's right… Heeeeeeeey… You're not from here. There's a blatant royal air around you," she said.

"Nah, my name is Elincia. I'm a mercenary," Eirika said smiling.

"You insulted me before, yet you use my name? Shame on you!" Elincia shouted.

"Okay, you got me. My real name is Caeda."

"Shall I take your heart out for you?" Caeda asked.

"Marcia's my name!"

"Oh, pop tarts, no!" Marcia disagreed.

The woman, named Selena, yawned. "This is getting old fast, you know. I'll just pretend your name is Erina or something," she said. "Oopsie, I haven't told you who I am yet, have I? I am Selena, a general in Grado's army."

Eirika turned pale. She spotted a Bolting tome hiding behind the woman's back. That thing can kill people from afar, she thought. My resistance is crappy right now, she thought.

"Is something wrong?"

"I, um, no! I'm getting vertigo here. I'll be fine," Eirika lied through her white teeth.

"Anyway, these villages have bandit problems, and I've been called off. I could REALLY stay behind and help, but my Bolting tome needs its time someday more important. You wouldn't like to see the king's look if he heard I used it even once! This is a very precious tome, you know? So yeah, you're a mercenary, and that means you'll help the villages that share the same name?"

"(You lazy ass. You're like all of 'em.)"

"Is there a problem?"

"Bandit problems."

"Oh yeah," Selena said. "Also, if you were wondering, I'm pretty honorable. I'm not crazy. These people are innocent. They give us money all the time! No people? No money. Anyway, have this reward and close the gates," she said, giving Eirika a Red Gem as the general walked away without even being noticed by the bandits that clearly passed her.

"Would hate to run into her when I'm targeted, but who cares? I'm richer!" Eirika said.

Next to the village she had visited and warned about the bandits by declaring loudly their own weakness when pillaging villages (the suspicious, rusty gates that all villages in general didn't seem to use when they were conveniently waiting to be used), Vanessa spotted another village just to the right. She decided to drop by where a young woman met her for random chance. "The most wonderful man rescued me. He was dressed like a mercenary, but he had an air of elegance about him... He gave me this elixir. I'm sure it will help you on the battlefield," she said, giving Vanessa an Elixir.

"How would you rate that mercenary, in hotness scale?" Vanessa asked.

"Oh, one look at him would make you give him your virginity! Tee hee!"

"Mmm-hm! I'm jealous, but such a young girl like you shouldn't be saying such things," she said, riding away to rescue the men she had neglected to rescue when she had the chance.

"I'm older than you!" the woman said as the villagers closed the gate.

As turns passed, the freedom fighters finally got Vanessa, carrying a person. Eirika approached her. "Good! You got Ross!" she said.

Wrong.

Vanessa had forgotten that there was a child with a grave injury, but in her scramble, she had seen the man in a much worse condition (probably because the team had wasted a few turns trying to come up with a badass tactic from the combined minds of Seth and Moulder, and thus gave the bandits a lot of time to do anything). And so, she brought Garcia.

Eirika was about to speak when Garcia ignored where he had been taken (along with blood practically streaming down many innumerable cuts), running off screaming bloody murder. Moulder was standing there, his Heal stretched out to heal the headstrong man. Too bad he was more than a square far away. "Damn you, Vanessa! You had to bring Garcia and not Ross!" she complained. "Only I can make him join us directly and not his father for some reason!"

"Oops?" Vanessa said. "Well, no big deal. General Seth can keep being a meat wall to lure all the bandits in while I go back for Ross."

The familiar "felled" sound echoed from the east. They all faced that same direction where Ross had an axe buried into the middle of his face. Even though it was a wonder he was still breathing from that, Ross _smiled _and said, "I…am a warrior to the very end!" before disappearing.

Garcia screamed even louder and went to his son, only to be killed by three bandits rounding him. He was a weaker unit than meat wall Seth, after all. Said general facepalmed, staring at the spot where Garcia once stood.

"DAMMIT!" Eirika cursed. "Those two were the only natural users of the whole game! And I know Ross is piss weak, but he does get pretty useful when trained!"

"Should we restart?" Franz asked. "I think we can all do this better if Vanessa doesn't lose time doing anything else."

"Rub salt on my wound, why don't you?" Vanessa asked, clearly offended. Eirika sighed and restarted the battle. Yet again, though, Vanessa's negligence came to bite and spit her out. "Oh, come on!"

"So this is what they call Gameplay and Story Segregation," Moulder wisely pointed out. He was foreshadowing their bad luck, especially Vanessa's.

After getting another heart attack talking to Selena (Eirika then found out she could've sent Gilliam to her instead) and a few more turns out of the way, Vanessa finally brought Ross close to Eirika. "I know who you are, and yes, we'll go save your dad," she said.

Ross smiled. "Oh yeah, now we're talking!" he said.

"But stay close to Moulder so you don't die, silly boy."

Ross pouted and stood close to Moulder. They all then heard the familiar felled sound coming from the east. "Uh-oh, that sound came first before our side could attack back, and they're in their turn," Franz said. "…Wait, we have Ross over here!"

Garcia was killed by an archer scoring a Critical Hit on his head. Granted, the archer only had 1% to score said hit. "I have no regrets. This was always my fate," Garcia said before vanishing, not even leaving the two axes and vulnerary he had with him.

Oddly, Ross wasn't all that sad. "I…I will live on in your memory so I can surpass your greatness!" he called out skyward, raising his ultra-rare Hatchet.

"Screw you and his dead memory! We're restarting!" Eirika said.

Their third try started out good, but Eirika sent Gilliam to Selena. He was zapped by her Bolting and subsequently died without even voicing out his death quote. The attack was too overkill. "Why?" Eirika asked, standing on the very spot Gilliam used to occupy. "You're not supposed to EVEN attack my party but Ephraim's on Chapter 13…B!"

"Hey, knights are starting to join rapists' ranks," Selena said before handing a Red Gem to her. "Take this to give you my humble apologies."

Their fourth restart signified Eirika's pure pissed self. Luckily, they all had the luck to group Ross and Garcia. Eirika made Ross change from green to blue, and then he went to his father where they shared a very touching moment that was labeled under clichés. Franz did sniff, though.

Vanessa tasked herself to reach out for the southern village before the mountain bandits could reach the gate, instead of, you know, jumping over. "HEAR ME OUT! GATES ARE THEIR WEAKNESS! CLOSE THEM!" she declared loudly and got a Pure Water. "This crap doesn't even become useful in the next chapters!" she complained to the already closed gates.

The company was now surrounding their boss. "Wait a minute! Wh-who are you?" Bone asked.

"Erina, the Mercenary!" Eirika said, impaling him on the head with two Critical Hits, killing him. "You're not even worth telling my true name."

"Ouch, that is harsher than the actual killing part," Gilliam commented.

Garcia cleared his throat. "You saved my son. I owe you my thanks. Sorry if he beat up on your Pegasus knight after she just came outta nowhere and whisked him away from me," he said. Vanessa had a reason she sported a black eye, and she glared at Ross with it. "That sounded so wrong from a perspective!"

Seth gasped, which made everyone else gasp. "Holy hell, you're the Great Garcia!" he pointed out. Garcia preened a little.

"My role model has a role model?" Franz asked interested.

"Axes suck in my perspective, but the great Garcia knows best. With him at MY side, along with Moulder, we can win this war that screwed our friendship with Grado!"

Garcia simply said, "Sorry, retired here."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm feeling emotional with all you bunch of misfits staring at me with such fervent intent. When I was a soldier, I lived my life fighting for my country's honor, obviously to prove I was a badass. I left no time for my family, but my axe was so important I practically wanted to marry it. I spent my life fighting for faceless, uncaring nobles, not unlike those in Begnion. When my wife fell ill and died, I met the child she had left behind. That's when I said to myself 'Garcia, drinking is bad and leads to this!' At that moment, I finally realized what my duty had cost me. "

"Him?" Eirika pointed at Ross, who said, "Hey!"

"No, I promised my wife's grave that I would raise Ross to become a man and not some thief. Hate those with a passion!"

"What grave?" Vanessa asked. "I saw no grave near your already decimated home."

"Hard to find, that sneaky thing! It's not really findable from top view. But I shall tell you where it is before me and Ross go back to our lives. We turned into nomads just today!" Garcia said smiling warmly. "Her grave i-"

"Screw you, dad!" Ross interrupted. "I'm joining these guys! They're WAY more fun than you!"

"Screw you! I'm tagging along so that General Seth doesn't think you're inferior! I mean, look at you! What kind of stupid class is _Journeyman_? That sounds like you're running a newspaper!"

The thankful villagers reopened the gates to their villages. Eirika did not want to say how suicidal it was to leave them open. An old man that represented the four, I mean, three villages thanked their help. Until he saw her bracelet, anyway. "Eww, bracelets are so Thracia 776. Everybody's into ear piercings. Even men."

"Like, I, like, now, like, right?" Eirika asked in typical teenager fashion.

"But keep it around to fetch a high price. Since Renais was invaded, things have become so dangerous around here. Bandits NOW are starting to act. Geez, that's convenient of them to do! The other day, Bazba's bandits destroyed homes, kidnapped women, and stole possessions!" Eirika shed a tear. "Oh, Renais is finished, mark my words."

"You don't have that much faith in Renais, do you?"

"King Fado didn't even live past the first third of the Prologue. What do you expect? Oh, but his son, Prince Ephraim, is a tough cookie. That cookie is being eaten away if the suspicious rumors are to be believed."

That night, Eirika felt so angsty that she had a sepia flashback when Ephraim taught her swordplay. Her reason for that was… "If we women keep relying on men like you, it'd look subtly sexist."

"Aye aye," Ephraim said. "Since I love you so much…" a Renais guard looked at them, eyebrow arched, "…a-as a brother…who loves you as in normal friendship!" the guard looked away, "I-I shall teach you swordplay."

Eirika had noticed his rather embarrassing display. "You know, in two and a half years, this little misconception is so going to bite us in the back and infect us with the rabies if we keep saying sibling love," she said.

"Please! If Marth and his sister loved each other so much as we do, I bet Magvel won't make us never live it down!"

Eirika snapped back into reality and angrily tossed her bracelet behind. She heard a man yelping with pain for a foreign object bumping his head and turned around to face him. "You creep! Don't try to do surprise buttsecks on me! Take the bracelet and go!"

Colm looked confused but then shrugged and took the bracelet, walking away with it and mumbling something about not being a rapist. It was then that Seth came from the other direction. "Princess, I saw you with an angsty look so I got worried. What happened?"

"Got into a sepia flashback about me and my brother," Eirika bluntly said. "Oh, and I gave my bracelet to a rapist thief." Seth then turned pale, breathless. "Alright, this is getting so stupid! Gilliam!" Gilliam walked into the scene. "I gave my bracelet away!"

"So? Everybody's into ear piercings," Gilliam said, not turning pale. "Heck, I want one."

"Your overall lack of paleness for being from Frelia makes only one thing clear…" She pointed at Pale Seth. "My family, and you for some reason, know something about this bracelet you like so much!"

Seth unpaled. I made that word up. "We need to look for it immediately!" he said, running off with his unnamed horse.

"You totally did that on purpose! Company, move!" she ordered the sleeping company. She just noticed Gilliam was not wearing his armor. "Ugh, we'll rest for the night. I wouldn't want to bother Moulder and the great Garcia, though the latter is kinda getting on my nerves with his loud snores."

"We all are!" the rest yelled out, clearly wide awake.

"You will never understand how manly his snores sound!" Ross proclaimed.

"Shut up, newbie!" Moulder shouted back.

"Yeah!" they all agreed by default.

* * *

_Will the party retrieve the popular-less bracelet?_

_Please review, or else Garcia will stop his manly snores._


	5. Who Names Their Kid Bazba?

_Rescuing the bracelet. Who cares about it? They're so Thracia 776._

_I encourage all thief fans to read on, enjoy, and review._

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**Chapter 3: Who Names Their Kid Bazba?**

_Eirika and company pursue the thief who stole her bracelet…I mean, the thief who SHE gave the bracelet to. The thief chase leads them into the mountains, where Bazba's Bandits pillage at will without a king telling them not to, like little children. Eirika cannot ignore her countrymen's pleas for help, as those same pleas become rather annoying after listening to them for a while. Oh, please, you would feel pissed if they woke you up during your sleep! She leads her group in search of the bandit's stronghold to claim the bracelet that holds secrets that weren't told to her from the beginning. Bad parenting, anyone? _

Seth, Eirika, and their band of ragtag bunch of misfits were stationed in a forest. The Paladin had news to tell. "A few of the villagers saw a lad matching the description of our bracelet thief," he said, holding a crude-looking wanted poster with Colm on it. It had a description on it.

**WANTED**

***Has a nice-looking ear piercing**

***Looks kinda hot, for a thief, anyway**

***Has unnatural blue hair**

"It seems a fair guess that the youth is one of these bandits," Seth said, putting the poster away. His horse ate it.

Eirika sighed. "The bandit influx was nicely controlled when your battalion was alive…but their refusal to surpass your skills with the many Master Seals we had at the vault only led to the enemy using those very same items to gain more stats," she explained. "I'm reconsidering a crucial fact here… Seth, you WILL continue to grow stronger after the enemies catch up with your impossibly kewl stats."

The team arched eyebrows at the order. Wasn't she going to say otherwise?

"Those Master Seals are valuable!" she added. "But if we can hope to rebuild the army with more soldiers, you can try to make them reach level 20!"

Ross grimaced. "Don't you hate how those Path of Radiance bastards get to Class Change when they hit level 20? I smell favoritism! We need those Master Seals more than they do!" he said. "It's so fishy we're stuck with the wonders of level grinding without even using them to the fullest!" The group had to admit Ross was smart when he had to.

"Too bad Ike was born with the anti-Master Seal curse, though. Imagine how painful it is to wait for you to get promoted!" Eirika pointed out, making the party laugh for a moment while Ike sulked, having to wait at the end of a late chapter to promote himself by the help of, ugh, a noble.

Gilliam stopped laughing. "Uh, don't you and your brother suffer from that too?" he asked.

"Gilliam, I can continue my vendetta on you any time."

"I'll be quiet."

"Good bearded boy."

Franz then noticed there was a girl mixed up in their small congregation. "Uh... Hello?" she shyly asked.

"Look! A stray girl!" Garcia said. "But wait, she has unnatural pink hair! By all means, she's somehow important!"

"T-thank you, my mom told me I'd be important if I grew pink hair, and she told me this before I grew some!" she said. "Oh! Um, are you all some sort of...mercenary troop? Usually, mercenary troops do look…unique?" She knew very well it was a rare chance to have a Pegasus knight working for mercenaries. And the girl that gave a royal air gave her some second thoughts. "I'm Neimi. I'm from... I used to be from a village named Lark... Except the village is gone."

Franz gasped. "It disappeared?"

"No."

Moulder gasped. "It blew up into the air?"

"No."

Eirika gasped. "It _**VANISHED?!**_"

"No!"

Vanessa gasped. "It grew legs and walked away?" She was given some weird looks. "Oh, you people! As if Eirika's assumption wasn't as crazy as mine!"

"What in th- No!" Neimi said, quite angry. "Bazba's Bandits burned it down…by simply stepping one foot inside! It was…morbid and…weird, just like the other villages nearby! I luckily was outside with my brother Colm, but he…that guy…he…uh…he…ah…he…" Franz shook her a bit. "He went into their hideout! He went to steal back something the bandits took from me..."

"What was that?" Seth asked with profound interest.

"Personal trinket?"

"Aww, tell me! We're dying of suspense!" he said. The party was dying of suspense.

"N-no! Stop it before I think less about you all!" Neimi said flustered. Her eyes swelled up with tears. "If I lose Colm, too, I don't know... I...I'll... sniff..."

Moulder pointed at her. "Stop her crying before innocent bystanders think we're scum!" he ordered. An incestuous pair of villagers that didn't know who Eirika was passed by and looked at them with extreme disgust before walking away, holding hands together. "Dammit!"

"We'll find your friend and see that he's not harmed!" Eirika shouted.

Neimi composed herself in record time. "Really? Really and truly? Oh, thank you! Thank you! I don't have much money, bu-"

"Too long, did not listen," Seth said. The party walked away from the bewildered pink-haired girl.

"For the love of… I'm a very good archer!" Neimi shouted, taking out a bow from hammerspace. "My constant crying has given me broken accuracy skills! I, uh, can help you! PLEASE! I don't have fangirls chasing after me like Prince Innes of Frelia!"

The party walked back faster than they tried to leave her behind. "Alright, we'll bite," Eirika said. Neimi yay'd. "You are a citizen of Renais, after all. And isn't it our duty to defend our countrymen? I'm only sad that we weren't here to protect her friends and neighbors..."

"They're pretty forgettable, though," Neimi bluntly added.

"If they didn't have some extra rare items, never mind, then! No use crying over spilled alcoholic milk!"

"But your funny way to talk like that…"

Eirika narrowed her eyes. "Hey, you don't know who I am?" she asked.

"…No?"

"You're a citizen of Renais, yet you don't know your OWN princess?"

"Oopsie? I've been training too much with my grandfather that I lost track of time," Neimi said blushing. "Do you know him? He was a real good archer back in the day."

"Screw you both. Hard. Now, lead us to the bandit's hideout!" she ordered. "Seth! Stand behind me so I don't get surprise buttsecks. Anybody else feeling quite weak all of a sudden, get somebody to watch your butts! There's no telling if the men in there are not completely heterosexual!"

And so the crybaby archer (Neimi: Hey!) led them into the bandit's hideout. Needless to say, there was no door in the front entrance. The inside did have doors. "They have looted treasure, yet they leave the front door of their base open?"

"Fridge logic," Moulder began, "anybody who isn't us, has an important background, or the enemy can't even do the job. I bet that if Franz here lived in the mountains, nobody would enter his door-less house." Franz felt weak, having been used as a guinea pig for an explanation.

Although they had discretely entered the hideout, the bandit leader Bazba heard them, the physical laws not applying to the three to four walls that blocked his view and hearing. "Hm. Not sure who's out there, but it looks like we've got guests. Let's give 'em a warm welcome, lads. You see a stranger, stick an axe in him…or her, in the middle of their face!" Ross shivered.

"We're not strangers!" Gilliam shouted. "We're fellow shady thieves like you!"

"Pah! From what I can tell from my seat that I do NOT plan to leave, you look way to clean to look shady! …Okay, the knight you have does look shady, but that's it!"

Vanessa was wondering how the hell the bandit knew they had a knight when said knight, outraged, said, "I'm so sticking my lance up you-!"

"WHOA THERE! We don't need that level of graphic detail!" Eirika said. And the battle started!

The party found it so fun to wreck two walls that were weak against their attacks. How a bow could do such damage to them was a topic worth looking into another day, but Neimi sniffed sadly, wishing to find her lost best friend as soon as possible.

One turn later, Colm showed up right next to them down the small hall with a big grin on his face. "And here we go! Ha! And not a soul saw me. These bandits are easy picking when they stupidly have their entrances wide open. Seriously! It's like they're asking everybody to be a thief!" He went to unlock a door. "I guess I might as well start with these chests here, escape, and troll the good guys from getting the goodies like every non-affiliated thief appears suddenly. Mwahahaha, I'm so smart."

Neimi peeked out from the corner.

"Shit!"

"We have no home and yet you leave me behind? Meanie!" Neimi scolded loudly, so loudly that the entire "mercenary" group stopped blasting the walls to smithereens to see some drama.

"I can take care of it in a flash, but I don't need a clumsy oaf like you tagging along," Colm said. The party standing behind Neimi gasped, the latter shedding tears of complete sadness. Franz and Garcia sniffed manly and traded napkins. "Stupid peanut gallery! Oh, this is ridiculous. Don't leave my side, Neimi." Neimi yay'd. The others did too.

"By the way, we haven't forgotten what you did," Seth said.

Colm recognized the group. "She didn't want it!" he complained. "In fact, she told me to pick it up!"

"Nope! Didn't say a thing like that," Eirika said. Her party narrowed their eyes at Colm. "I used it to defend myself from getting abused against my will."

"You unnatural, blue-haired woman! I'm not into THAT!"

Neimi nodded. "Yup, he's not a r-rapist," she said.

Colm sighed in relief and gave Eirika back her bracelet. "Everybody's into ear piercings, anyway," he muttered.

"Aww, true dat," Gilliam agreed.

"Good, you have unofficially joined our group, judging your change from green to blue from top view," Eirika said. "I guess there's no point moving forward to face Bazba!"

Seth disapproved. "Sorry, princess, but until we seize that bandit's seat, we are not to leave from this dinky place. We are, how you say, locked in this map," he said. "Also, you have come up with a resolve: eliminate all potential unhappy rapist husbands that leave women with babies they don't want to raise themselves."

"Stupid gameplay! Fine! Kill anybody who's red from top view!" Eirika said. Her intrepid team cheered. "But we've got some unfinished business to do…" They went back to smacking the walls in complete glee. They thought it was a convenient form of cheating by making a shortcut through a place they didn't own.

A while later, Colm was ordered to open chests. "Mwahahaha, all the chests are mine for the taking," he said.

"Nope!" Moulder used the Trade command, forcing Colm's inventory to relieve him from the goodies. "Thanks, I'll carry these till we finish."

"Not fair, dude with the epic mustache!" Colm complained. "Using Trade to…trade items between us against my own will. That's heinous!"

"No, that's strategic thinking that encourages conservation and the trade of unwanted luggage," Moulder explained. "I carry your weight. Praise me."

"You heard the soon-to-be sexy bishop. Praise him!" Franz told Colm. The thief grunted and praised the soon-to-be sexy bishop.

After blazing through Bazba's bandits and losing Ross in the process…

"…Wait, WHAT?" Eirika asked, doing a double take. "Ross vanished?"

"Yup, got an axe into his face…again," Vanessa said. "It looked more morbid if you were standing right next to him."

Before Eirika could even restart, Garcia got into a fit of rage and went to fight Bazba. Needless to say, Garcia got killed. They all did a collective grunt together.

"Yet another reason why restarting is strongly encouraged," Seth said chuckling. "Oh wait, I worshipped the Great Garcia before. Nooooooo, why did he die and not me?" Franz yelped at the thought, and everyone restarted.

And thus the group restarted, having to go through the previous events once more. "Don't say anything, we'll help," Eirika told the crying Neimi.

"Blast walls, don't stop," Gilliam gleefully said, and nobody wanted to disagree.

"Don't cry, stay close to me," Colm told a happy Neimi.

"Trading is fun, die for me in battle in a figurative sense," Moulder told Colm.

"Don't you die, or else I'll kill you both with Seth. That's right, I'll kill you again if you get killed!" Eirika told a pale Ross and pale Garcia.

"They died again, we need to restart, you can't kill them again since they're dead," Seth said, restarting the game before Eirika could finish the F word.

The party finally made it to Bazba. The boss theme played as he got the spotlight, facing off with Eirika. "I'm the head of this bandit pack, the mighty Bazba!" he announced to the lot of enemies surrounding his seat.

"Pfft, Bazba? Really?" Eirika asked. "Who names their kid Bazba?" she asked to her group, all of them snickering.

"S-shut up, it's awesome!" Bazba called out, reminiscing about his parents coming up with his awesome name.

"What should we name him?" Bazba's mother asked.

Her drunk husband said, "Bazba! Sounds tough! Now go fetch me some beer, woman!"

Back in the present, Bazba sniffed a villain tear. "Dad was never a good Dad. Shouldn't have killed 'em when I got an axe on my teenage hands. I told me I would turn sexy, but then my Dad spit at my face and that made me kill 'em! Cute boys in these games turn into gods of sexyness, y'know?"

"Your hideous face is hideous!" Eirika responded with a Critical Hit'd him twice, killing him.

"How in the hell do you manage to defeat all the bosses we've encountered with TWO lucky critical hits?" Gilliam asked.

"Luck's on my side? Besides that, hurray! We have claimed the hideout for ourselves!" Eirika cheered. "Eww, it stinks. Let's leave." Seth told Eirika to sit down on Bazba's smelly chair to end the chapter, but she discouraged the thought and sat down in front of it instead. Garcia wanted to point out that the game wouldn't buy it, but it did, much to his shock.

A sniffing Neimi approached Colm. "What now? I told you not to worry. I could have robbed these bandits blind on my own, thank you very much," he bragged.

"Silly hot thief," Vanessa said. "Your perfect accuracy would've been crippled."

"Oh, I can steal anything from you without using my eyes."

"Like my virginity?"

"Yeah, like your virgin-HEY! Not cool," Colm said grumbling till he noticed Neimi about to bawl her eyes out. "H-Hold on! I'm sorry! C'mon! Don't start bawling!"

"Aaah...sniff...No more...dangerous stuff...by yourself..." Neimi muttered. Moulder deviously chuckled, coming up with so many plans to make Colm his thief slave. Nobody was going to complain about this, since anything in Moulder's hands would be put to good use. In fact, they were envious.

"Fine, fine. I promise. But you have to stop crying all the time. All right?

"I-impossible, my character would be flat otherwise," Neimi said.

Colm cursed his luck and showed Neimi a mirror. "Oh, yeah. Take a look at this. I got your mirror back. Remember how you cried when we left Lark, which was obliterated from existence? You thought you'd lost this. I knew it was your mother's, and I knew those thugs had taken it. So I went and got it back! See what happens when you give me a job? Guaranteed results!" he bragged. The peanut gallery rolled their eyes in unison.

"Colm..." Neimi trailed off before she started crying.

"What now?!"

"I-it's broken!"

Franz took a look. "Oops, it's broken," he said. Colm punched him away.

"Aw, shucks. Musta broken in during the fight," Colm said. "Well, no use crying over spilled alcoholic milk! At least I got it back for you so that's what matters!" He smiled. "Aww, it feels good to use the common thoughtful sense."

"N-no!" Neimi said angrily. Eirika finally looked their way. "I…I will restart the fight and keep it safe!" She opened the menu, causing a collective amount of shocked gasps from the group.

"…Neimi…what are you doing?" Colm asked, sweating as Neimi hovered the option of suspending the game. From there, she would restart.

Ross gasped. "Stop that girl! I got one extra stat for every stat on my list on a single level up!" he pointed out before he ran over to the cracked wall. "It's a very rare event that a unit gets all their stats buffed up in on-"

Many disgruntled sounds came from all of them after noticing Neimi had restarted the battle. "Well, to be fair, I didn't get a single stinking stat after I beat Bazba," Eirika said.

After recruiting Colm and having delivered the final blow on some bandits, Ross leveled up. He showed up next to his stat screen, but after his level digit went up, a second of silence made him groan. "Dammit!" he cursed and left the screen. Moulder then healed him once and got all his stats leveled up. "Oh, come on!"

The group huddled up around Bazba and his chair. "You guys don't even give a damn about us bosses when we die and then come back to life just to get killed again?" he asked annoyed. "We see where we end up only to get pulled back into the game!"

"That is right. We do not care about filthy scum like you," Moulder bluntly said. "Eirika, Critical Hit him twice!"

"At your orders, our pre-sexy Bishop," Eirika said, Critical Hitting Bazba twice.

Colm showed Neimi her **broken **mirror. "Now I know you feel really sad right now, but it's not a good reason to make everybody go into the map again," he said as he entered from the left side of the map, spotting Bazba's thieves around the perimeter after opening a door. "It's the thoughtful feeling that… Oh, dammit!"

By that point, Eirika's band finally got the message and tied Neimi onto Seth's horse. Bazba was brutally murdered with two Critical Hits from Eirika as always (Franz still was puzzled how she managed to get all those frequently) and Colm showed the tied Neimi her perfectly good mirror.

"Oh, would you look at that! The mirror is not even broken!" Colm said sighing. Neimi yay'd and was untied. She hastily grabbed her mirror and let it fall down by accident, breaking it. "Okay, that's it! It was your fault this time, not mine!" he said as he opened a door, spotting Bazba's bandits. Since Neimi was untied, there was no outside force preventing her from restarting again. "_**AAAAAAAAAAAH!**_"

Moulder, fed up with the insanity, walked over to Colm and rummaged his pockets to find the damned mirror. He found it perfectly intact and kept it in the convoy, turning it into a measly item that only took space. "Some options NEED to be taken to get rid of unneeded results," he said.

Bazba sighed in boredom as everybody rounded his chair. "Kill me already," he said and thus was given his wish.

Seth felt that it was needed to give Colm a lecture while Neimi stood close. "If this girl matters to you, you must quit this dark road," he said. "…Outside of gameplay, I mean. You guys are awesome, keeping us stocked with stolen Vulnerarys!"

" Um, yeah... Right," Colm said, sweat-dropping. He saw them all leaving both behind to fend off for themselves. "Hey, wait! Let us go with you. You can't just leave us here. We're still too young without adult supervision!"

"Oh yeah, their home DISAPPEARED for real," Vanessa noted.

"You just wait. I promise you won't regret your decision," Colm said grinning. "If we constantly support with each other, Neimi and I will end up having archer-thief hybrid children!"

"That is SO not possible," Eirika said. "But it's worth the try! Just think about an archer that can do two jobs at the same time. That will surely give a lot of repercussions to my country, but it sounds so good! Alright, you two are in." Colm and Neimi yay'd.

After leaving the dinky hideout, Eirika got her bracelet back. She looked at Seth with such venom it scared Gilliam.

"Seth... What is it you're not telling me? I feel that I finally must know what secret you and my father have been hiding from me ever since I was given birth," she said.

"Too early," Seth said. The entire party groaned loudly.

"Fine! I'll let you keep that handsome head of yours. Don't complain if you find yourself standing somewhere else!" She turned to her company. "Moulder, everybody else that doesn't reach my level, to my brother!"

Miles away (in actual real life terms) from there, Grado Castle was having an audience with its main three jeweled generals; the ones that had some respectable amount of common sense in their minds unlike the rest of the red mooks. The one with the most common sense, Duessel, spoke to Selena and Glen. Whether it was a custom to ride the castle halls with their horses and a freaking wyvern was a very enlightening topic for another day. "Selena. Tell me, how fares the campaign in Renais?" he asked.

"Signs of chaos abound," she said. "Homes are destroyed, women are kidnapped, and possessions are stolen. BTW, the last two points are not us. It's the massive bandit influx."

"Perhaps, just this once, I should take the lead," Duessel wondered aloud. "Grado doesn't even enforce public safety. You two know I can do that with my eyes closed." The two agreed.

"What could His Majesty be thinking?" Glen asked. "Breaking our long-held alliance with Renais, invading without warning... He's never been this way before. He abhors violence. It's as if he was possessed!" Selena considered the option, but she thought it was so improbable she would blindly follow the man that helped her home. "And have you noticed the recent promotions? Fishy, I tell you, fishy! I feel as though His Majesty is no longer the man we knew him to be."

Selena quietly laughed. "Oh, silly Glen. Our Majesty is still the same person we know," she said.

"Selena," Duessel began, shifting his eyes, "he is waging war all of a sudden. He is not the same."

"Uh… He's still an honorable man!"

"I know he helped your hometown, but you need to have some common sense," Glen said. "Why, if you keep that up, you'll be killed someday, and many will grieve your loss."

The three with common sense (Selena was slowly straying away from that) were then summoned to the throne room where Emperor Vigarde and his loyal son Lyon. Emperor Vigarde looked unusually pale for their tastes with the suspicious decaying skin around his cheeks. "I appreciate your work in fulfilling your previous orders. You are the hammers that drive the nails of the empire's will... You will continue to operate...without hesitation...wherever I send you." There was an unusual pause during the "without hesitation" part, but they didn't want to call him out on it.

But they were tempted to call him out once his right eyeball popped out from his eye socket and fell onto the floor.

"Oops!" Lyon quickly scooped the eyeball and put it back on his father's eye socket. Duessel, Selena, and Glen were all completely disgusted and freaked out. Glen's wyvern was lamenting how it didn't eat it.

"What the HELL was that just now?" Glen asked the golden question.

"Oh, no worries," Lyon said quite exasperated. He wasn't thinking straight when he said, "My father has some weird disease right now, but our top healers are doing their best to bring him back to life through dark magic."

"What?" Selena asked.

"Oopsie! I mean, cure his eye-popping disease. Ignore me! I have absolutely no speaking role in this scene. I'm just standing here to make sure my father works properly." He had another completely different meaning to the last two words he said.

Vigarde cleared his throat, which led to a coughing fit that made Lyon all sweaty on the face. "However, I know this...You, my Imperial Three, lack the strength to conquer the remaining nations alone," he said.

"Your Majesty, we're all promoted units, and we actually have face portraits!" Selena said.

"Three promoted units with face portraits are not enough. In the invasion of Renais, certain soldiers performed beyond expectation. I have chosen them to join you as new generals in the empire's service. ...Come."

There was an unusual air of evilness polluting the hall once Valter, Riev, and Caellach entered. The fact another wyvern rode into the hall was not complained about. "Well, no kidding. All of them are promoted units with face portraits," Glen said.

"The performance of these men surpassed even your own." Duessel mentally said bullshit. "With the addition of these three... The empire will have six generals strong enough to conquer this land. Do you understand?"

The creepy one, Riev, chuckled unusually darkly. "Heh heh heh... I am Riev, given the name Blood Beryl by His Majesty. I know I am a newcomer, but I pray for your favor," he told Duessel, who was not going to pray him for anything. He randomly bowed to Lyon, but was it really random? HMMMMMM?

The _**HERO**_ Caellach approached Selena rather suggestively. "I'm Caellach. I was a mercenary, fighting in the desert with this best friend of mine who stole a valuable possession from my head. Seems I'm to be called Tiger Eye... You're a fine lookin' lass, aren't you? Yeah, I'm gonna love working with you," he winked and growled like a tiger. Selena carefully kept her distance.

The blood-seeking Valter approached Glen. Valter's wyvern chuckled at Glen's wyvern, who looked away. "You know me as General Valter, but you will call me the Moonstone. Sorry, I'm taking your spot for greatest wyvern knight of Grado."

"Valter, you scum!" Glen cursed. Duessel tried to intervene, but Valter's bloodthirsty wyvern shooed him away.

After being assigned their positions, Vigarde's head casually rolled down to the floor. Glen, Duessel, and Selena (who had fainted along with her horse) were extremely, morbidly, freakily disgusted. Valter, Caellach, and Riev all sweated bullets as Lyon put Vigarde's head back on his neck. It was backwards, and Lyon noticed too late before spinning it back to its position.

"MOVE ALONG. NOTHING TO SEE HERE," Lyon shooed all of them away. As Caellach used whatever Herculean force to carry Selena and her horse away, nobody saw the emperor's chin fall down. They didn't hear Lyon's voice suddenly grumbling deeply in anger.

* * *

_Yes… There's a lot of insanity left…_

_Please review, or else Vigarde's very intimate body part will break._


	6. Awesome Lute

_About time the magic department got its mage users._

_I encourage all Lute fans to read on, enjoy, and review, please._

* * *

**Chapter 4: Awesome Lute**

_With her unpopular bracelet recovered, Eirika sets out with renewed determination, all to find out what the hell her father and Seth have been hiding from her all this time. Passing through the not-so ancient forest Za'ha brings them close to Grado's border. As they near the town of Serafew, Eirika's fears are assuaged by the lack of troops on HER side, even though she will get one of every unit at this point. But never-before-seen-but-actually-overused terrors-in-fiction crawl in the shadows of the ugly trees._

With a crybaby archer and a semi-hot thief on their ranks, Eirika's intrepid band was now approaching another set of villages. Seth had told her that they were getting closer to Serafew. "That is, assuming we can cross the border without mishap," Eirika said.

"Usually, when somebody says that, something bad will happen," Moulder wisely said and mentally cursed their luck.

"Like zombies and creepy eyeballs plaguing our path?" Neimi asked. "Oh, there are wolves too! …Not that they're _that_ fictional."

"Silly pink-haired girl!" Garcia said laughing. "We haven't seen those ever since _Fire Emblem Gaiden_! I do believe you in the wolves part but even the-"

"Oh! Well, then what are those over there?"

The party had snickering smiles before they all stared flatly at the army of zombies, floating eyeballs, and the not-so fictional wolves that stood out the most amongst the group of weird-ass creatures littering the perimeter. As a whole, they ALL stood out the most.

"There's a reason why we're so related to _Gaiden _in the first place, you know," Gilliam said.

On the southern village to the, well, south, the monk Artur and his rather insufferable genius of a mage that was known as Lute stared at the army of the undead + wolves. While Artur looked horrified, Lute was devoid of emotions. "What have we done to deserve the trials before us? What is happening to us? How could such abominations walk out lands while the Sacred Stones protect us?" Artur asked.

"Obviously, somebody is breaking those stones as we speak," Lute pointed out. Her theory was absolutely right, but…

"Nonsense! What kind of idiots would do such a thing? Perhaps somebody who doesn't know the stories of old or somebody who is trying to resurrect the Demon King!" He was about to step out to fight off the monsters. "Lute, please, it's dangerous outside the walls. Stay here in the village."

"You fare worse than I would," Lute said. "Oh wait, I don't even fare worse! I'm that awesome."

"I know, but I need the experience so badly."

"Those are revenants, aren't they? They were the vanguard of the Demon King in the days of darkness. The Tome of Nazania describes them in chapter 2, section 7, paragraph 8," she described.

"How could you even memorize the chapter, section, and paragraph? That's creepy, even to our standards."

"Duh! I'm a prodigy. I can recall most everything I see or hear. According to the book, revenants attack using razor-sharp claws. Sounds painful, wouldn't you say? I would so imagine you getting your priest butt handed over to you… They're zombies, so they won't even hand your head back to you. Are you prepared to face such scary results knowing that we mages don't have the most stellar defense of all units?"

"…Uh…" Artur wasn't feeling that good anymore. "I must go aid those travelers outside. You should stay here within the safety of the village."

"What travelers?" Lute asked. "If you managed to see travelers beyond the mountain range and trees to the north, then you need to tell me what kind of skill you…" Artur had left mid-speech. "Very well. I don't mind staying here. In fact, it seems that smarter choice for survival… He was my only childhood friend. Oh well, nice knowing you, Artur. Even if this village were to be assaulted by monsters, I could defend it perfectly. After all, I am perfect myself." She perfectly stood on her spot.

How Artur managed to make his way unnoticed to Eirika's group would indicate that he had the Shade ability equipped somewhere, but it wasn't important to mention it. "Look at that! A monk just made his way through the crowd of monsters + wolves!" Vanessa said.

Moulder snickered at the pre-bishop person with orange hair.

"Travelers, you must listen to me! The ancient forest of Za'ha is dangerous. Head south and pass through this place before the fiends surround you!" Artur warned.

"Okay, we kind of understand that, but the south is plagued with those things and yet you made it through without a scratch?" Colm said.

"If I made it through, why would not you?"

"Wow, you're absolutely correct," Vanessa said nodding.

Eirika grimaced. "I have a better question… Who are you?"

Artur rolled his eyes but decided to be courteous. "My name is Artur. The temple you don't know about has assigned me the task of cleansing the forest of these...things. There are so many of the fiends, though. I wonder if I stand much chance alone without even promoting to the almighty class that is known as a bishop. So if you would, please flee now while you have the chance."

"Honorable," Seth said, "but a foolish decision that would kill you with your measly defenses. As a unit with higher defense, you disgust me."

"Fiends?" Eirika piped up. "You're not talking about the same fiends that served the REALLY fictional ancient Demon King who has absolutely not much of a chance to return to our fair continent away from contact to the outside world because he IS after all just a MYTH? That can't be right... They're nothing but legends and fairy tales..."

"Maybe we are in a FAIRY TALE," Ross said, his eyes spinning. Franz slapped his head.

Seth dramatically gasped. "Beware, your Highness! Something approaches!" Said something was a revenant slugging its way to them. It was fairly far away around thirty feet from their positions. With such slowness, anybody would outrun it by walking. "Bunch of blind idiots, not that one! THAT ONE!"

A flying eyeball called Mogall flew to them. "This one ain't winning a pretty eye contest," Vanessa noted, hurting the Mogall's feelings, as Artur stepped in its way and promptly killed it with shiny lights. He would honestly decimate everything as long as he wasn't ganged up by revenants.

Seth said, "We ought to help. We…I mean, HE can't fight them all alone. Do you have orders?"

"**Die** for my cause, figuratively, or else I'll spit on your empty spots!" Eirika shouted heroically, raising her Rapier skyward.

As the battle started, Seth saw how their group was too big to deploy to the field of battle. "Princess, after Colm and Artur joined our team, I'm afraid we won't be able to deploy more units. I'd say…two of us ten will remain behind."

"Ha!" Eirika laughed. "The game won't know what is going on. I'm sure that nothing bad will happen if we ignore that rule. With that out of the way…Franz and Ross, don't leave the battlefield!"

"Alright," Franz said. "…Wait, were you planning on leaving us behind first?" His question went largely unanswered, much to Ross's dismay.

Artur smiled. "One of my companions is in that village to the south. If you can get there swiftly, I implore you to watch over her safety," he said.

"It better not be another monk," Seth said. "We seriously need somebody awesome enough to fill the mage spot. We lack that one, you see."

"Oh, she's a mage; an awesome mage as she calls herself," Artur said. "Her attitude might tip you off, but she DOES have the skill to back up her claims. Oh, and she's not like Soren, mind you."

"With such a straight face, we can't go wrong here," Eirika said nodding while Ross went to visit the northern village. "Plus, I don't want to have a very sulky boy cursing our very existence besides his homosexual best friend."

"It looks like the fandom has greatly and morbidly changed our overall attitudes, just as I feared," Soren noted from afar while Ike hit his head against a tree.

Ross barged across the village's gate where a man met him. "Do you see that old snag to the south of here? Bet it would make a handy bridge if you could knock it over," he pointed out.

"Eh, don't know," Ross said. "My dad is kind of a heavyweight he might fall into the rushing water down below."

"We don't live over a cliff, you dolt," the man said before giving him an Iron Axe. Ross could finally store his rare Hatchet away.

Another villager approached him, namely a woman. "Did you tell him not to leave this map and come back? I heard rumors that villages like this one are razed behind the scenes only for them to become training maps!" she said scared.

"Crazy woman! Such a thing won't happen to us!"

After turn 3, three mysterious figures, two of them who had unnatural colored hairs, appeared over the northeast high cliff overlooking the entire map. It was somebody who CERTAINLY didn't look like the princess of Rausten and her two (one?) loyal retainers. "Oh, my! Those travelers are being besieged by the agents of evil!" she said with such odd excitement.

Dozla, her loyal Berserker, laughed his signature laugh. "Ha ha ha! Right you are, Lady L'Arachel!"

L'Arachel laughed proudly. "I cannot allow this to happen! Come! We must charge down these cliffs and rush to their aid!"

Rennac, their rouge and lazy-ass of a retainer, noticed how their dialogue wasn't changed so drastically from the real thing. "Am I the only one sane enough to see how you two don't even have very drastic changes to your speech?" he asked. "Also, why does it feel like I'm the only smart guy who hasn't been altered greatly in personality like everybody else?"

"Silly Rennac, stop talking to yourself and let us head down to battle as soon as possible before it ends without us doing absolutely nothing! I simply cannot abide those wicked beasts running amok!"

"I was clearly talking to you two!" he shouted after L'Arachel and beard axe old man ran down off-screen. "Sometimes I wonder if they're not that altered… Great, I'm talking to myself." He rushed away.

Needless to say, the party had a good time killing the undead. Except for the wolves, they all could easily score double hits with ease. Artur had been standing a bit too close to the zombies he decimated with shiny lights as he made his way back into the village where the insufferably awesome Lute stood close to the gate. " Lute, help has arrived," Artur said with a bright smile. Lute's flat stare pierced his being. "…Lute?"

"Your flesh shows no sign of putrefaction. It seems you're not a revenant," she said till she spotted a small fabric of revenant flesh on his cheek. Granted, that piece of zombie skin had been blown away into his face. "Oh, I guess I shouldn't risk it."

"Wha-" it was all Artur could say before Lute burned him alive with a Critical Hit coming from her Fire tome, leaving no trace behind besides the empty circle of soot.

"Farewell, Artur," Lute said flatly. "You were the only childhood friend with a face portrait I could talk to. The others simply didn't reach my level." She saw Eirika barging into the village. "Your flesh shows no sign of putrefaction. It seems you're not a revenant."

"Say, wasn't little Arthur here?" Eirika asked.

"Please, his name lacks the 'h' found in most Arthur names," Lute said. "And yes, he was here, but it seemed that he turned into a revenant."

"…With all due respect, but we don't turn into revenants even if those god-damned monsters use their claws to skin us alive," Eirika pointed out. She looked around for Artur until she spotted a charred spot. "…And you killed him on this spot because you thought he was one of them."

"Yup."

Eirika sighed in frustration and restarted the mission.

High atop the cliffs, L'Arachel and her two intrepid servants arrived to see the bloodshed down below. "Oh, my! Those travelers are being besieged by the agents of evil!" she said with such odd excitement. She grimaced a bit. "Dozla, have you ever felt a weird wave of déjà vu?"

"Gwah ha ha!" Dozla laughed for no real reason. "Yes, milady! I just felt one right now!"

Rennac furrowed his brow. "You idiots, they restarted the fight!" he pointed out. They stared at him with odd looks. "Apparently, they can restart and rewind time to do things right like keeping a unit from dying or getting to a chest before a troll thief walks away from the battle with it!"

They stared.

"…Yeah, it sure does feel like déjà vu," Rennac said as he rolled his eyes. L'Arachel and Dozla nodded with bright looks before taking the long way down to the fight. Rennac begrudgingly followed them.

A scared Artur limped into the gate where a cautious Lute stood. "Your flesh shows no sign of putrefaction. It seems…" She then spotted more loose skin scattered all over Artur's white clothes. "Should I risk it? Perha-"

"NO!" Artur shouted. "I still have a brain! Give me a break, Lute!" he said, obviously frightened of his genius friend. "Please be patient a little longer while I go bring the light to these foul creatures!"

"Oh, you can still talk and understand," Lute noted. "No, no. I insist on joining you in combat. I mean, I can possibly burn you alive on the spot if I wanted to. In fact, it does feel like I did that already. What an odd feeling, huh?"

Artur carefully backed away from her.

"In any case, I've been reading up on these revenants. They are, quite simply, no match for me. I am superior, after all." She stepped out the village with Artur, the gates closing behind their backs.

"Hey, Artur! Still alive there? Say no!" Seth shouted.

"No?" Artur responded.

"Good."

Lute walked past the group of misfits. "Behold my superiority," she said as she spotted the apparent leader of the zombies and burned it alive with two Critical Hits. "Easy peasy."

The group was amazed. Eirika approved her. "You can pull them off with ease. I shall turn you into a very useful sage soon," she said.

It was clear that the map was finished. Even though Artur was killed by Lute by accident, it didn't feel so stressful. "We've killed all the monsters. Still, we'd best burn the bones to ash to be sure they don't return," Seth said wisely.

"Pfft, they vanish in thin air like any other enemy, anyway," Colm said.

Eirika feigned being shaken. "I still can't believe what we've been fighting here...besides the random wolves. I thought those fiends were nothing more than myth and legend from fairy tales. Stupid father told those things to me when I was very young and naïve. Well, I sure do hope that's the last of them."

Lute rolled her eyes. "Fat chance, mercenary with royal air." She was yet another person who knew diddly-squat about Eirika's royal lineage. "There are much worse than those revenants and the entombed. There's the bonewalkers, non-fictional wolves, gargoyles, ReDeads, Dracula, vampires, Frankenstein, Count Chokula, vampire teenagers, werewolf teenagers, Cthulu, Ganondorf, your dead puppy, zombie neighbors, Jack Skellington... Why, I'll bet you just about any creature of lore could be walking again. Yes, we're in for some trouble. Even my fabulous power may not be enough due to the fact I'm still not a sage."

Eirika stared in disbelief, and even though she was supposed to say "By all that's holy", she instead said, "Holy damn crap, what is happening?"

"Well, Lute here believes somebody is shattering the Sacred Stones," Artur said.

"Pfft, why?" Eirika chuckled. "Any retard would know that breaking those are against the law of nature and law of man. To be fair, I thought those would fetch a high price in the market. Why are we keeping those around, anyway?"

"That is something I frankly don't give a damn," Seth said honestly. "I'd be foolish to continue, princess. We cannot fight Grado's forces and those hellish creatures from hell. Of course, I CAN fight them alone for seven straight chapters, but my usefulness is limited."

"I know full well that I may be leading us into even greater danger that will surely kill somebody in our team of misfits, but... Please try to understand that I share a very close bond to my brother," Eirika said.

"Hmm, my lack of knowledge of the outside world is tingling by just looking at you… So I take it you're our incestuous princess?" Lute asked. Eirika shot her with a death glare. "Foolish glare of yours can't match my flat stare's superiority."

"Damn, you're right. You're completely unfazed."

It was around that time that L'Arachel and her retainers finally made it to where they were. "Dear god, we can't have that many people joining us at once in a single chapter! It's overkill with that Berserker!" Gilliam said.

"Oh, and that rouge is just too much," Colm said. "I mean it! I just joined a chapter ago!"

"The last thing I want is join an even bigger group full of more retards…" Rennac muttered to himself.

L'Arachel was clearly in her own little world where she was the ultimate being of love and justice. "Aha! Foul creatures, beware! I, L'Arachel, bestow upon you the honor of banishment at my blessed hands!" she proclaimed, raising her Physic.

Eirika stepped forward. "Are you blind or stupid or both?" she asked. "You're way too late. All the undead were killed…um, again. We didn't even use exorcism."

The non-princess smiled. "Ah, glad tidings indeed! The heavens must be rejoicing! I am…a tad disappointed however. After all, I did rush all the way here to show you the splendor of my might," she said.

"The only splendor is that Physic you're holding," Moulder said. "I care little about your brainless head." Dozla randomly laughed.

Rennac smiled. "Hurrah! Somebody can tell!" he said. L'Arachel somehow ignored him completely.

Seeing the woman had green hair, Eirika asked, "Who are you? Hopefully somebody of extreme importance."

Behind the non-princess, fireworks and streamers flew from every single direction. Only Rennac was a bit scared of the random background. "It is I, the true light and glory of the sacred realm of Rauste-!"

"**You're their crazy princess,**" everybody in Eirika's team said in unison, as if they all knew how weird all the people of Rausten were, along with their even cheesier princess. The overdramatic background faded away in a second.

L'Arachel instantly said, "Now, I must ride off in anonymity. Oh, how beautifully romantic!"

"I greatly fail to see how beautifully romantic this is," Lute noted. Artur frowned at his childhood friend. "Foolish green-haired fool."

"Perhaps our paths will cross again someday!" L'Arachel noted. Her horse gave them all a frightened look as if it knew how crazy she was. "Come, Dozla! Rennac! We ride!" Dozla randomly laughed and agreed, shooting off into the distance with her.

Rennac looked back and forth between the two groups. "I've got no idea what the hell just happened here, so… Leave me alone," he said and ran away, sadly, to his companions.

"Dear god, they're finally gone," Lute said. "I felt a few brain cells died out. Anybody felt that way?"

"**Yup**," everybody said. They all thus left the map behind, ignoring the hordes of the undead that completely razed the villages behind their backs.

Three hours later, a zombie appeared on top of the previously-visited location. "Hey, everybody! A training map!" Garcia gleefully noted, and all of them were off to do some training. They were anonymously given all the time of the world…somehow.

Dozla randomly laughed in the distance. "Would you STOP doing that?" Rennac shouted.

* * *

_Hmm, why is the sexiness quotient going to increase immensely in the next chapter? Hint: hat._

_Please review, or else Lute shall turn into the main character of this thing._


	7. Sexiness Under The Sun And A Hat

_Getting characters in this game doesn't necessarily mean you need to stand on a desolated corner of the map! If you knew this without a guide, feel happy!_

_I encourage all Myrmidon fanatics to read on, enjoy, and review, please._

* * *

**Chapter 5: Sexyness Under The Sun And A Hat**

_An ominous wave of dark creatures…and wolves washed over the continent... Eirika's journey to find her apparent incestuous brother Ephraim grows ever more perilous and a hella-ella sillier. Still, she presses on despite the danger. Her will is strong and stubborn like a child bent of getting a new toy. The town of Serafew, located on the border of Renais and Grado, is partially screwed at best. The people of both countries have long used the town as a meeting place. It stands as testimony to the friendship the two nations have shared these many years. Now, however, Grado screwed their friendship. _

Unlike previous times, the earth was graced by the presence of an obscenely attractive man wearing a particularly nice hat. He was oblivious to his blessed looks. Right now, the town of Serafew was devoid of women. "Well, well. There's an arena in this town," Joshua noted. "Perfect. My pocket's feeling a bit light and my suicidal side is feeling weak." There was a blond-haired cleric walking cautiously through the empty streets. "Say, is that a cleric? It is! And a gorgeous one at that."

Natasha was not having a good day. After finding out a horrible secret that was her only excuse of being important to the plot, she was labeled dangerous. Being on the run from the evil empire was a very exhausting thing to do. She was extremely frail in mentality. Anybody would feel that way if their mentor was ordered to be killed. She sighed to herself and only proceeded cautiously to avoid getting spotted.

Then sex in two eyes walked past her. It evidently turned into sex on two legs from a small, quick glance.

"Something amiss, Sister? You look flustered," Joshua said with a smile that greatly, indirectly meant many outrageous dreams of great pleasure to Natasha. She reddened like a killer tomato and ran away without saying a word. "...And there she goes. Not my lucky day... She was quite the beauty, too. Like one of those frail shy girls who ultimately say 'I love you' at the end," he told himself. "Ah, such is life. I think I've time to visit the arena, though."

A Hero entered the arena.

"…Er…maybe another day…"

Literally a few squares away to the north, Glen was just finishing giving orders to a flat boss character about Eirika's path and Natasha's sightings. When Saar left, his rough-looking brother Cormag rode into view with his wyvern. "Such loyalty to the crown. If only I could hold such conviction in the righteousness of our emperor," Glen noted.

"You can be like Selena if you want," Cormag said.

"…Dear god, what did I just say?" Glen felt like he was about to have a Heroic BSOD as they both flew northeast, away from the map.

The semi-evil music changed into a semi-good one as Eirika's group came from the south of Serafew. There was something really wrong with this statement.

"Wait, what?" Lute asked rhetorically. "Grado is CLEARLY to the south and yet we're showing up from that same direction of the southern border? What madness is this? Renais doesn't lie to the south and we clearly came from the north!"

"Perhaps the great being looking at us from the sky is looking down at the map from the wrong angle," Artur muttered.

Eirika was too busy reminiscing the good old days that weren't that old to begin with. "It's been so long since I last visited Serafew, like a year and a half. My brother and I used to pass through here en route to Grado that long ago. I remember the harmony with the singing birds in which the people of both countries lived. No walls divided our borders that demanded passports. No soldiers stood guard in high towers and checked up on you for ten minutes. The border town... It was to me a symbol of the trust between Grado and Renais."

"And then Grado screwed our friendship," Seth said quite quickly.

"The peace I remember in this city... It seems like something from another time. It seems lost now... Forever."

"Goodness, don't say that," Franz said. "It sounds like you're going emo…or goth!"

"We're in a journey to free the world from Grado. Of course I need to feel angsty from time to time!"

Seth saw that the place wasn't heavily guarded and said, "We must try not to draw attention to ourselves by anything and anybody. The west gate is undermanned..."

Saleh then came out of nowhere. "Pardon me, may I ask you a question?" he asked. Seth cursed. "Have you seen a young girl with indigo hair?"

"Incredible how people like him can ask about somebody's colored hair like it's really that common," Colm noted.

"Indigo hair?" Eirika asked. "Let's see. We have girls with pink, light-blue, green, and purple hair… Nope!"

Saleh grumbled a bit. "Thank you. Sorry to intrude." He left.

"He didn't point his finger at us on the spot so he's not a Grado spy," Eirika said. "There was something odd about him, though. He had a unique face portrait…"

Suddenly, a commotion erupted from the north side of the town. Feeling like eavesdropping, Eirika's team carefully approached the area. To the north, Natasha was being surrounded by Grado soldiers. They knew she was toasted, after all, since she wasn't a Bishop yet.

"Traitor Natasha!" an unnamed Grado soldier said. "Surrender peacefully. Come quietly, and you may have the chance to explain yourself before His Majesty."

Natasha held her hand high. "Wait, please. You must listen to me! The emperor is not himself! You MUST see that! Has anybody here ever seen him acting this odd before?"

Eirika and her group peeked out their heads from a wall. Moulder snickered at the pre-Bishop girl. "That cleric is a traitor to the throne of Grado? What madness is this?" Eirika asked. Franz held up a sign that read, "**Currently Accepting Grado Traitors**. _We Have Cookies And Cream_".

The soldiers gasped. "She's freely expressing her thoughts against Emperor Vigarde! That's HEINOUS!" They stupidly let her run south where she found the group behind the wall. Franz gave himself a pat on the back.

Seth cursed. "Curses, now we have those lesser beings after us," he said.

"This is so a dumb question, but are you all right?" Eirika asked the panting girl. "I'm from Renais, but some of us are from the Innes Fangirl-filled Nation of Frelia. Why are these Grado men after you?"

Natasha thanked god for blessing her with help. "I have something extremely, extremely, REALLY extremely important I must tell you," she said. At last, she could spill the beans to a Renais citizen. "It's about Gra-"

"RED MOOKS INCOMING!" Eirika shouted loudly, starting the battle. Natasha was dragged into the conflict.

On the same area that Natasha had met the unspeakably sexy man, Joshua was seen walking around the arena. "So much for my dreams of making my fortune here without asking mother for my allowance... First the girl, now my gold. It really isn't my lucky day," he said, sighing. The air he sighed out smelled very fresh.

A soldier spotted him. "You there! Mercenary with the really nice hat! What are you doing here at the arena? Get back to the staging area now!"

Joshua grinned. The soldier felt gay for a moment. "C'mon, why don't we both hit the arena? It'll be good training. If you're going to risk your life anyway, you may as well try to earn some gold and fame."

"U-uh… I-I'm reporting you to the captain! You'll be lucky if he just docks your pay! Don't forg-g-get…You can be replaced in…uh…an eye blink, you filthy sell word!" He hurriedly walked away. He just couldn't shake Joshua off from his mind.

"Don't worry, little ugly, eyeless man. I won't forget. Work's work, but I don't like fighting women. That is really heinous…" He flipped a coin in the air. "Now then, what's the rest of the day got in store for me? ...Tails, huh? That's nothing but back luck and more back luck...or will it?" he asked rhetorically, raising a perfect arched eyebrow. A few passing flying birds fainted.

Back to the group, Natasha had an idea. "They may not want to hear what I have to say, but... I must speak with one of the Grado soldiers. Oh, if only one of them will listen to my words."

"Why?" Artur asked. "There is absolutely no reason why one of those people will listen to reason. Certainly, you took this idea out of the blue without thinking."

"…Or perhaps she has a sixth sense that's foreshadowing that there's a chance to recruit another traitor soon!" Franz said as he piped up. "Let's have her speak to each one of them!"

"NO!" Eirika realized how suicidal it was to put a healer next to a Fighter. "Find the one with a face portrait and lacks a small shield mark! In the meantime, Ross shall head for the house on the bottom right corner."

Moulder shook his head. "Something is amiss. The path to that house seems way too suspicious…way too…SAFE… Let Seth and Artur head there as well," he advised. Eirika didn't want to go against his idea so she did as she was told; telling Seth and Artur to do was she was told.

Ross simply entered the house. A few wolf whistles came out from it and then he walked out, carrying a rare Dragonshield. "A stat-boosting item that inexplicably boosts defense!" Artur noted. "We got blessed."

Ross's face was blushing deeply. "I have never taken an interest in women…but I'll gladly start now!" he said. Artur was confused at the claim until he gazed at the window of the house and confirmed Ross's redness. He similarly blushed and prayed that the devil wasn't tempting him.

After turn 2 was over, bandits appeared really close to the house. "Come lads! Let's steal our way through this pathetic town and troll the heroes from getting the goodies!" he proclaimed.

They were all beheaded by Seth. "Your troll-ish actions thus have been stopped," he said. He was proclaimed a hero.

The team slowly advanced south as enemies were all killed one by one. Gilliam approached the house next to the set of stairs. "Please, traveler, take this sword. It's an armorslayer. It'll but pierce through even the strongest armor, even yours, actually! Take it and strike down that blackheart Saar," the man inside said, handing the life-threatening sword to Gilliam. He gulped and carefully carried it away, hoping I wouldn't topple over and stab his extremely-protected chest.

Natasha seemed to be going alone further north. Luckily, there weren't that many enemy soldiers ready to cut her head…except one red unit that seemed so familiar to her. The fact she reddened madly made her realize who he was. She maintained perfect composure, but it was slowly trying to break down with a heavy sigh. "You...You're that man I met... Are you here to capture me? You've been hired to silence me, haven't you...?" She was just about to faint. She couldn't take it for much longer.

"Yeah," Joshua said, oddly smiling. Natasha's tempted side was so thankful he was smiling. Her cleric side meanwhile prayed she wasn't being tempted by the handsome devil. "Grado's paying the bill. They want you dead, you know? But don't feel bad. It's not personal. Oh, I don't care about Grado or why the king suddenly went crazy with this war. As the prince of… I-I mean, I do NOT even mind this war!"

Natasha completely ignored the odd stuttering. She was hardly keeping her heavy sighs.

"Even so...killing a _**beautiful lady**_ like you wou-" Joshua saw Natasha fainting with a big smile. Her tempted side won over her cleric side. "Uh… Do you like gambling? Here! I'll pick for you. Heads I win and you get killed, or tails you win and I join whatever side you're with! Go!" The coin he tossed landed on her nose, showing tails. She subconsciously smiled, as if she knew things would go nicely. "You win! Figures… Well, get behind me, then. I've got to take care of these fools… Oh right, I'll have to carry you back till you wake up…"

Meanwhile, the rest of the group slowly made their way to where Natasha had lost consciousness. Eirika gasped and saw a man carrying her on his arms. She was unfazed by his looks, since he was facing away from them all. "Hey, you! You're not supposed to carry corpses. In fact, they disappear in thin air! Dammit, she just died, didn't she?" she asked fuming.

Joshua turned around. The world seemed a better place to live to the women of the team so suddenly.

"Hey there, you're her companions, right?" Joshua asked.

All the men stared in awe. All of the girls' pupils dilated by one centimeter. His smile was just so…_perfect._ "Have my babies, please," Eirika pleaded in an odd sexy voice. "Leave that woman with the weak will. I am quite a catch."

"No! My virginity has been waiting for you all this time!" Vanessa gleefully said. Her Pegasus sighed, feeling that dying meant nothing now.

"N-no," Neimi sniffed. "I-I can't! I-I'm supposed to support w-with Colm…b-but…h-he's just so…" Colm grunted, but somehow he couldn't have a grudge against Joshua. That hat he was wearing looked _so good _on his red-haired head.

Lute finally looked up from her tome. "Why are you needlessly… Why have I ignored the ten percent of men's wonders all this time?" she asked. Artur gasped when he saw the first smile in a long time on her face.

Joshua continued to ignore all of the stares of approval. "Well, no use standing here staring at me that way, right?" he asked. He put down Natasha, and Neimi fought the tempting thought of jumping to his arms. "I'll be happy to join your little crew."

"Why do many Myrmidons have to look so…_smexy?_" Vanessa asked.

"Because we wouldn't have them any other way…and I do NOT want to complain about it," Eirika responded.

Seth was impressed. Seeing that Eirika was out of commission, he took command. "Perfect timing. We need more people to fill the sword department," he said. "A mercenary is just what we needed."

"Mercenary?" Joshua asked. "No, no, I'm a myrmidon." Many of the men's mouths felt like they fell on the floor. Neimi fainted. So did Eirika. Vanessa felt a very thrilling feeling of vertigo.

"…" Seth looked up at the sky. "Thank you, god. Thank you so much!"

Artur felt good. "With a man wearing such a divine hat, our supports shall be enlightening for greater good," he said. "Sorry, girls, but he cannot support with any of you…except Natasha."

Vanessa returned to Magvell. "Why do you get Mr. Sexy?" she asked.

"I thought you liked Prince Innes?" Gilliam asked. "You two CAN support."

"S-shut up!" she hissed, reddening. "H-he doesn't have to know…" she trailed off, feeling her being shrinking.

Miraculously, all the girls regained their senses once they were pulled into battle screens by the enemy. Franz approached the house west of the arena where an old man lived. He went on a long narrative of his famous, anonymous life as a warrior. "What if I die without passing on my techniques? So, I decided to write down what I've learned in a book. I have it here. You seem like a strong warrior. I'd be honored if you would accept it," he told Franz, giving him a not-so Secret Book.

"Good thing we only 'use' these to skip the long reading," Franz said, leaving the house. The man closed the door, making it impenetrable.

The army had mostly made it out to the north till they spotted the local arena. "Hmm, an arena," Moulder said. "We could possibly risk our lives for money…OR we could simply use training maps to guarantee our survival. And if it happens, we can somehow control weapon drops to make a profit out of them by exiting and entering a special kind of training map while controlling stat growths all at the same time!"

"Laugh at the arena, everybody!" Seth said. They all laughed at it, even the enemies that were about to die. The bandit-looking owner hissed at them from his stand.

Ross was just about to enter a lonely house to the north. Saar just stood there without doing anything about murdering a close unit.

Amelia had just gotten wonderful news. She was just accepted into the benevolent Grado army! It was DEFINITELY not ravaging the entire land just outside her window, oh no! She just shrugged the fighting outside as something she shouldn't involve herself into. After all, the Grado army was occupying the town so the evil men were probably losing the fight. She needed to pack things up and walk away quietly. Amelia always tried to remind herself about what was going on with the world, but she had been so giddy about her acceptance into the army to even care about serving an evil empire. What nonsense would it be that Grado turned evil?

"The Grado army is awesome!" she exclaimed. "Let's see, I've got vulneraries, antitoxins... Oh! And I can't let myself forget torches for when it gets dark. Yep! I'm all set! Now I just need to get to the capital. I'll be the finest soldier the Grado army's ever seen! I swear it! I need to get outta this stupid Trainee status after all!" She walked out from the back exit, dropping a Torch that might have burned the house she had occupied.

Ross peeked inside and took the Torch. "Free fire!" he said happily.

The team had devised a strategy to take care of the Knight Saar on the northeast portion of Serafew. Saar, furrowing his brow, said, "Enemy of the empire! Death's too good for…for…"

"Yes?" an Armorslayer-wielding Joshua asked.

"For…for…" Saar could _not _believe he would fight such a foe before in his life. The air of absolute elegance surrounding Joshua was something that should not be disturbed. And that _hat_.

Goodness gracious, _that hat_.

"I…I…"

Joshua grinned. "Looks like my Critical Hit percentage is quite high enough to pull this off, so…" The Myrmidon pulled back and split into three Joshuas. All of them disappeared, and then a single Joshua beheaded Saar in a spectacular fashion.

The entire group watched from the sidelines. Eirika smiled with a dreamy look. Neimi's eyes rolled back into her head and she fainted. Lute wanted to point how _impossible _that Critical Hit looked like, but she didn't want to ruin it. It looked _sooooo_ good. Natasha fainted while praying. Vanessa sighed and rested on a similarly sighing Titania. Seth and Molder nodded in complete approval.

Saar, his breath having been taken off in more ways than one, turned gay as he died.

It took everybody but Joshua two hours to forget how _awesome _and _sexy _that one hit KO looked like. Natasha gasped and remembered what she was doing, like, not introducing herself to them formally. "My name is Natasha. I was a servant of the people at Grado's Imperial Temple. A few days past, my mentor was arrested without warning. They executed him and he vanished in thin air, like, poof. They said he was a traitor... But those were false accusations. The emperor had him killed - a holy man! - to keep him silent about a HUUUUUUUUUGE dark secret." At this, everybody raised their ears. "My mentor told me with his final breath… The emperor plans to destroy the Sacred Stones."

"Oh, PLEASE!" Artur said.

Natasha continued. "As you know, the Sacred Stones drove back the power of evil long ago. Even now, each of our nations is home to one of these legendary treasures. There's one in my evil homeland Grado, one in Innes Fangirl filled-Frelia, one in nutcase Rausten, one in prince-less Jehanna, and one in your incest-filled nation that is Renais... Nobody cares about Carcino. Tee-hee."

Eirika nodded seriously. "Yes, the Sacred Stone of Renais is still housed in our royal temple," she said. Seth snickered.

"The emperor…" the background turned dark as Natasha got a creepy look on her face, "plans to destroy the five stones, one by one!"

Everybody gasped loudly, but Lute chuckled rather loudly. "And you said I was crazy!" she told everybody. "APOLOGIZE!" They all did.

Seth grunted. "Why would he do such a thing? Legend says the Sacred Stones are even now all that keep evil at bay!"

"Hello? Chapter 4?" Artur said.

"Oh."

Natasha and the background turned back to normal. "I cannot begin to guess his motives... You must know, our emperor was a gentle man. Like, he WAS the BEST out there."

Franz nodded. "Yeah, she's right on that. The worst emperor so far is the one in Rausten," he said. Everyone agreed.

"Hmph! Do not insult the holiness of my uncle!" L'Arachel shouted from afar. "Uh, I mean… Do not insult his majesty!" Dozla randomly laughed in the distance. Rennac smacked his head against a tree. It hurt him. Duh.

"But one day," Natasha continued, "he changed. _**Utterly**_. One day he was feeding birds, the next day…which oddly had a rather long time gap of ten days without his presence, he muttered about eating bird brains. Creepy, huh? Before my mentor died, he said the keepers of the Sacred Stones must be warned ASAP. I tried to slip across the border, but the soldiers spotted me... Does my blond hair look so out of place to you?" They shook their heads. "Oh, good! I thought that was it."

After having heard a rant about how Natasha lost all story importance rights, Eirika was approached by an old man. "Are you perchance... Princess Eirika?" he asked.

Eirika sighed, please. "Somebody DOES know who I am while I'm going incognito!"

"But of course! None of us here can try to forget how incestuous you and your brother are!"

Her good feeling had been snapped in half. With a glare, she stuck out her hand and said, "Give me the damn Guiding Ring to end this map already."

* * *

_The story turned so damn sexy all of a sudden. I wonder why?_

_Please review, or else Joshua will become the main character… Wait…you better review, then! D:_

_Oh, here's a scrapped idea that never happened because it had a very small percentage of ruining Joshua's image for restarting purposes. Yes, the chance was VERY small. Just imagine Natasha never fainted mid-Joshua speech._

* * *

**ALTERNATE NATASHA / JOSHUA MEETING**

Natasha didn't know how she had resisted the man's perfect charms till the point where he came up with the sexy idea of betting her life for his trust with a coin toss. She hoped to win so badly. Having such a guy standing next to you for support would definitely b-

"Heads, I win," Joshua interrupted Natasha's train of thoughts. "Now stand there…uh, staring at me," and he used a Critical Hit that sliced her body in tiny little bloody pieces.

While Eirika somehow managed to snap herself out of her male gaze and mourn the loss of a possible Bishop girl, Vanessa smirked and muttered, "One down, three more to go."

"Without her, recruiting him has become impossible," Moulder pointed out. "I don't know how that equates, but such is gameplay."

"…"

"That means we'll have to kill him. Seth!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Vanessa restarted the game.


End file.
